Relationship Jokes

Phone rings at 2am.
Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hеll do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

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Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say …… ….
….
10. What do you mean today’s our anniversary? …
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. ….
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big. …
7. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! …
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends.” …
5. Honey, does this outfit make my вuтт look too small? …
4. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.
2. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Sexist Jokes

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

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Relationship Jokes

Q. What’s the female version of a ManCave?
A. The kitchen.

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Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Husband: Honey, can you smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Exactly I can’t either so get in the kitchen and start cooking.

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Relationship Jokes

I love creature comfort. That's why when I'm coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there's a woman in bed with me.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Relationship Jokes

I lost my grandad last year. He’s not dead he’s just wondering round ikea.

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Relationship Jokes

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.
One said,
"I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"
She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"
The other said,
"That's terrible how'd it happen?"
"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.
She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.
Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

My Current Relationship Status:
Made dinner for two… Ate both.

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Relationship Jokes

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel... Collect... On which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

The following inspirational conversation took place with my dad earlier today.
Dad: There’s no such thing as “can’t”.
Me: Wow, thanks for the inspirational message dad but I was actually calling you a сunт.

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Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

Me and my girlfriend were in the throes of sеxuаl ecstasy last night when she whispered, “leave me breathless darling.”
So I punched her in the stomach.

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Relationship Jokes

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”
They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says.
He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says,
"Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home."
"$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Bob.

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

Yesterday when we were in bed my wife shouted at me and told me I was really annoying… I almost choked on my popcorn.

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Relationship Jokes

The conversation starts between girl and boy:
Boy: Do you have pen?
Girl: No,I don't have.
Boy: Do you have a pen?
Girl: She became angry and replied and no no I don't have a pen.
Again after sometime the boy asked; do you have a pen?
Girl: No! NO... again if you ask once I will hit you by a hammer?
Boy: Do you have a hammer?

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Relationship Jokes

My husband had just lost 50 pounds when, after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

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Office and Work Jokes Relationship Jokes

Spoke to my family today after my WiFi went down. They seem like nice people.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

A husband says to his wife, "Honey I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!" The wife says,
"Great. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" The husband replies,
"I don't care, just get the hеll out!"

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Relationship Jokes

An elderly man enters a jewelry store on a Friday night with a beautiful, much younger woman and states that he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brings out a $5,000 ring. The man says,
"No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler returns, this time with a $50,000 ring. The woman's eyes sparkle and the man seeing this, says,
"We'll take it! I will give you a check now, so you can verify the funds on Monday with the bank. I'll then pick up the ring that afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phones to tell the man, "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," is my reply. "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong, we’re now married.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes