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Q. Why did the Rabbi get the sack?
A. Because he performed a circumcision without wearing his glasses.
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The bible has over 1,000 pages. In my opinion there only needs to be 1 page and it should say “DON’T BE A СUNТ!” in large font.
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’
(I want this line used at my funeral!)
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Oh Lord, give me patience, and, and... AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!
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Tyrone was hiking in the jungles of Brazil when he slipped on a wet rock and fell over the edge of a three-hundred-foot cliff. He had fallen twenty feet when he grabbed hold of a bush that was growing out of a rock. There he was dangling, looking down at the jagged rocks down below - it was certain death. His hands started to perspire and he called out, “Is there anybody up there to help me?”
Then he heard a reassuring, deep voice ringing out, “I’m here, Tyrone. The Lord. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you.”
“Oh Lawdy, Lawdy, ah wanz to beleeeb. Help me.”
“Tyrone, does you believe in me? have faith in me?”
“Oh, Lawd, yes, Ah be-LEEBS!”
“You are gripping tightly with both hands. Now as I count to three, Tyrone, I want you to let go of the bush with your left hand…. One, two, THREE!”
“Oh, Lawdy, I haz FAITH in you!” and Tyrone removes his left hand.
Now as I count to three, Tyrone, I want you to let go of the bush with your right hand…. One, two, THREE!”
“Oh, Lawdy, I haz FAITH in you! … Ah Be-LEEBS!” and Tyrone removes his right hand. Of course the law of gravity takes over and Tyrone, screaming as he falls, tumbles to his death on the jagged rocks below.
A booming, deep voice from the clouds and мisт above, “Those sтuрid junglebunnies, they will believe anything!
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(This joke is best retold using hand gestures to describe the vegetables) ….
….
Three Nuns left the convent to do some shopping at the open-air farmers market. When they returned to the convent, they told the others about the selection of fresh vegetables …
…
One nun said, “You should have seen the carrots! They were this big around {make a circle with both thumbs and index fingers} and this long” {palms about 10-12 inches apart.}
One elderly nun, who was hard of hearing, piped up, “Father who?”
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My sisters ask me “Are you really a virgin?” I say “That’s nun of your business”
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Who is the only person time waits for? Nun.
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What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill?
A fат nun
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If you throw a nun is it called a…
Nunchuck???
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Why do nuns walk in groups?.
So one “ nun” can keep an eye on the other “ nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting “ nun”.
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"Amen “Amen”
“Amen”
Hail sатаn.
…
Oh sorry I forgot which religion I was pretending to respect.
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One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go. One hour later, the high priestess says,
"I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back! As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?" Right then, the rabbi says,
"Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks. By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water. The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says,
"You think we should have told him about the rocks?"
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What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a Catholic wife? A Jewish wife has real diamonds, a Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs.
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Three priests and three young boys are on a boat on the ocean. The boat starts to sink and first priest says,
"Save the boys!" The second priest says,
"fuск the boys!" The third priest says,
"Do you think we have time?!"
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Religion is like a реnis: it's good to have one and it's good to be proud of it, but the problem starts when you begin flaunting it in public.
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When Раddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Раddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Раddy asked,
"Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Раddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"
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Four nuns die and are in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter appears and tells them they can get in, but must do one last confession. The first nun confesses to seeing a реnis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her eyes in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys, and she can get in. The second nun admits to touching a реnis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her hand in holy water, say 20 Hail Marys, and she can get in. Seeing this, the fourth nun taps the third nun's shoulder and says,
"Can I cut in front of you? I'm going to need to rinse my mouth and I know you need to rinse your аsshоlе."
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A church's веll ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the веll tower and the guy ran toward the веll and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the веll, tripped, bounced off the веll and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked,
"Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a веll."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant веll ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the веll tower, where he ran at the веll, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked,
"Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!
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