School jokes, Teacher Jokes

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
[8] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who nds up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
[25]It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
Of resting before you get tired.

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This is me, when asked by my parents what my final exam grades were....
"I don't know what more they want? They give me questions I don't know, I give them answers they don't know."

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School Jokes

The teacher asks a pretty female student:
“Name three plays by Shakespeare.”
“4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

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Jokes about Women School Jokes

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?
About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?

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School Jokes

Since I've been out of high school, I've been to 32 weddings. That's like 17-and-a-half miles of the electric slide, folks.

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day he got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did....
1. HOTEL    --    I gave my girlfriend da сrавs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RЕСТUМ   --    I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RЕСТUМ both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT   --    My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE   --    If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB   --    Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that
Catacomb.
6. РЕNIS   --    I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said РЕNIS.
7. ISRAEL   --    Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE   --    There is a fine lookin' hое livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI   --    I was gonna buy my old lady a вrа but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN   --    My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM   --    My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY   --    I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the тiтs on this hое.
13. HORDE   --    My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.
14. INCOME   --    I just got in bed wit dis hое and INCOME my wife.
15. FORTIFY   --    I axed da hое how much? And she say FORTIFY.
Donny got an A.

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Hotel Jokes Boob Jokes

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said,
"Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said,
"Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said,
"I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.

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Jokes about Women School Jokes

S ex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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School Jokes

Old people are so full of shiт, its like ... Back in my day I had to army crawl 15 miles, through a mine field, in a snow storm in the middle of summer, with737290968905328907365210997368299 comie basturds on my tail, shootin at me with laser guns, while 15,000 nакеd robotic ninja midgets simultaneously attacked me with light sabres ...... Soooo don't tell me you can't get to school on time!

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School Jokes

When I was 28, I was teaching English to high school freshmen. Fridays were dress-down days.
One Friday I came to school wearing a college sweatshirt and jeans. A student took a look at me and his eyes widened.
“Wow!” he said. “You should wear jeans every day, you look twenty or thirty years younger.”

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School Jokes

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on
This bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways."

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School Jokes

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Sатаn, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
Satan,, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p. M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p. M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love - which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Sатаn, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Sатаn, replied, “My dear, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Two zombie students were on the way to their high school in Los Angeles when they spotted a white BMW with the actress Halle Berry stopped at a red light. Seizing the opportunity, they immediately rushed the car, dragged the startled Ms. Berry from the front seat, and ate her brain.
Dragging the corpse behind them as they walked to school, they suddenly remembered that their school was having a contest to see who could best decorate the corridors of the school for Christmas.
Sure enough, they won the contest. The name of their entry, "Deck the Halls with Воwеls of Halle!"

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School Jokes Christmas Jokes BMW jokes

A mother and father named their child "Odd". Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
Duh ... shouldn't that be:
"Poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!

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School Jokes

Mother and father rabbit were talking about the children after they had been put to bed.
“Why was Junior so happy this evening?” asked father rabbit.
“Well”, explained mother rabbit, “he had a marvelous time at school. He learned to multiply”

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School Jokes Animal Jokes

Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
I screamed "WHAT??!!"
"What Was That?!"
She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her.
We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique.
I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings.
She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
She was on'top of the world from all the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.
I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While".
"You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
Just when she had this look like she was going to кill me, i further added....
"Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".
Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.

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Jokes about Women School Jokes Men jokes

A fат kid comes home from school and says to his Mother, “I got the highest score in PE today.”
“Well done,” says his Mother.
“By the way Mum, what is BMI?”

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Fat Jokes

Remember back when we were kids, and every time it was below zero outside they closed school?
Me neither.

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School Jokes Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes