Sports Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Shopping with the wife… an everyday thing…
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury’s…
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
Minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
Voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
Crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
Humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Маdоnnа look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
Through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
Awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.
Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Money jokes Men jokes
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help You?”
“Yes” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sеxuаl аssаulт”.
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
Jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
Removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way With me”.
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he Had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on Each leg”.
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.
“Yes”, said the lady, “He was an England Cricketer”.
“That’s very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his Accent?”
“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long”.
Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes
Sports Jokes Sex Jokes
Sports Jokes Friendship Jokes
Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...
When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..
But he does have witnesses... Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..
"Look at that guy," Jesus says,
"He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."
"No," God says,
"I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."
Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.
"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"
"That's right, son, indeed it is.... And because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."
Sports Jokes God Jokes Dad Jokes
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes
At last i have taken the time to write down some man rules….. The guys side of the story.
We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. If you think you’re fат, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear..
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. You have enough clothes.
1 .. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don’t mind that? it’s like camping…
All you henpecked men i dare you to share this. If you grow some ваlls while doing it… print out a copy and paste it on the bedroom door
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Fat Jokes
A prospector and silver miner has had a string of bad luck and to make manners worse, his sеxuаl equipment is backed up from lack of nookie and he is as hоrny as a billy goat with four ваlls.
So he saddles up his mule and goes into town to visit the local sporting-house.
The Madam laughs at him when he says he wants a girl for $10. He says, “It’s all the money I’ve got, don’t you have someone?”
The Madam says, “all right, you can have Old Aggie. Go down the hall, count four doors on your left and go in door four. There isn’t a light switch in there, so fumble and feel around in the dark to find the bed, then you’ll find old Aggie lying there. Her hygiene isn’t very good so you’ll have to put up with the odor.”
The prospector heads down the hall. About 20 minutes later, he returns to the Madam’s desk.
“How was Old Aggie?”
“Well, the smell was pretty bad like you said. I found her pretty wet and lubed up, so that wasn’t bad. But every time I tried to kiss her, I got a mouthful of cold, wet rice.”
The Madam smiled. “You get what you pay for. That wasn’t rice, it was maggots. Old Aggie has been dead for almost a week.”
Sports Jokes Money jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
A game warden noticed his elderly neighbor was going fishing every mourning without any fishing tackle only a silver lunch box. When he returned in the evening he would always have a stringer full of fish. The game warden was curious on how he was catching his fish. He asked the elderly neighbor how he caught so many fish. The man replied he would show him if he would like to go with him the following mourning. The Game warden replied he would love to go. The following mourning they hooked up his boat and the old man had his silver lunch box with him as usual. They launched the boat and in the middle of the lake the old man stopped the boat opened his lunch box took out a stick of dynamite lit it and through into the lake. Seconds later fish came floating up the game warden was shocked and told the old man that was illegal. The old man calmly lit another stick of dynamite handed it to the game warden, then asked him well are you going to fish or just cut bait.
Sports Jokes Men jokes
London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
Opening ceremony
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
The events
In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (i. E. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling time trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by “The Verve.”
The marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men’s 50km walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be… mincing
The closing ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the
[2004] Summer Olympics that they would like to take back
1. Weightlifting commentator:
“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
Her snатсh this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator:
“This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
Personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
Father.”
4. Boxing Analyst:
“Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer:
“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst:
“He dribbles a lot and the
Opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the соx of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator:
“Julian Diскs is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Diскs on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator:
“One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his ваlls and kisses them .
.. .
Oh my God, what have I just said?”
Sports Jokes God Jokes