Sports Jokes - Page 45

What is the loudest sport?
Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet.

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After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.
Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies,
"That's not Saban’s house, that's mine!!!!!"

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Sports Jokes God Jokes

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie.
"I want one billion dollars," replies the man.
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get."
"I know," replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content.
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie.
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

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Sports Jokes Men jokes

A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, "My foot bugs me sometimes. It's just an old basketball injury."
His friend said,
"Uh, aren't you kinda short for a basketball player?"
He replied, "Oh no, I never played basketball. I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV."

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Sports Jokes Money jokes Friendship Jokes

Four rich friends were hanging out on a restaurant when one of them recieved a phone call and had to leave for a time. Meanwhile, the other three were discussing about their son's career. The first one said: My son is an architect, and he designed many big and expensive mansions. He's so rich he gave his girlfriend a mansion aswell. The second one said: That's nothing! My son is an engineer, and he designed many supercars and sportcars. He is so rich he gave a Ferrari to his girlfriend. The third one said: Those are weak! My son designs yatchs. They are very, very expensive and many celebrities bought yatchs from him. He is so rich he gave his girlfriend a yatch.
After the argument, the fourth friend came back. The three who where in the restaurant asked him: And what about your son?
He replied: my son? He is gаy. He had his sеx changed...
Everyone was shocked when he said that.
I know... But he, or she's not that going that bad. He just won a mansion, a Ferrari and a yatch!

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Sports Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

For a long time, babies don't wear real clothes, they wear costumes... My mother in Boston sent us a business suit -- a little suit, a little man's suit: little black pants with a white shirt and a bowtie and a little red sportcoat -- like he's got a job he's got to get dressed up for. Like he's gonna be leaving the house with a briefcase:
'No time for breakfast! Ah, jeez, I messed myself. Hold the car.'

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Sports Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

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Sports Jokes Kids Jokes

A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an оrаl exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam:
"What is two plus two?"
"Four," the athlete answered.
The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"

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Sports Jokes Kids Jokes Math Jokes

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said,
"Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said,
"This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

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Sports Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

My wife enjoys sports and anything else that calls for an argument.

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Sports Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A guy goes to the Doctor and says I've got a cricket ball stuck up my вuм !
The Doctor says "How's That"
The guy says don't you start !

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Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

John went with a bunch of friends on a camping trip for the weekend.
"How was the camping trip?" asked a co-worker a few days later.
John replied, "It was intense!"

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Friendship Jokes

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is Mike?” asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”

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Sports Jokes Friendship Jokes

I have such a dilemma. There is a guy at my gym with no legs, and I feel really awkward around him every time I see him. So I tried to make a connection. I said, 'Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?'

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes

When I saw Man United were behind in the final minutes, I felt sure that we were going to see the first match to ever start in one year and finish in another.

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Sports Jokes Men jokes

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing -- $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

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Sports Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?"
"A new lawn mower," the golfer said.

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Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Apparently racist chanting was heard at the England training ground earlier today. The FA have threatened to remove John Terry from the squad if he does it again.

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Sports Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

It's never sincere. There's always like a sarcastic subtext to it, you know? Like, what he's really saying is, 'What do you need, man who I would never in life consider having as a swim buddy?'
'What'll it be, guy who's probably terrible at every sport?'
'Can I help you, fella who's destined to spend the rest of his life drinking cheap whiskey, wearing a ratty blanket and hoping that someday the ghost dance will rise again like a native American Indian chief?'

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Sports Jokes Insult Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still.
The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again. The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car.
Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too. The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked,
"How in the world could you get that moped to go nearly as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?"
The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said,
"Mister, I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your bumper!"

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Sports Jokes Men jokes