USA - Page 9

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When everyone knows that America is the best country in the world.

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It’s a perfect afternoon for marinated ice cubes!
You can make your marinade from a wide choice of ingredients including:
Scotch or Irish whiskey
Canadian whisky
Bourbon (To be labeled as bourbon whiskey it must be distilled and aged in the USA from USA grain)
Vodka (Preferably something middle shelf or top shelf unless you are on a college kid’s budget)
Rum
Tequila
Jagermeister
Gin
Vermouth
Bitters
Coke
Orange juice
Water or seltzer water
7-Up or lemon-lime carbonated drink
Sliced lemons and limes
Bottoms up!

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Kids Jokes USA Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

The next President of the United States of America will be Hillary "I kicked Trump's аss in every debate" Clinton. Can't wait for Trump and his deplorable's to get lost.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes USA Jokes

A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- - J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- - J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of воndаgе between a mother and child."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

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School Jokes USA Jokes Political Jokes

The population of America is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !!
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your аss,
At your computer, reading jokes..

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes USA Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Q. Why do Mexico always fail during the Olympic pole vault contest?
A. The best jumpers have all moved to the USA.

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USA Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job,
She outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
And Monica blew it.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes USA Jokes

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is? “Bob”.
“And what is your question, Bob?”
“I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just then the веll rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right - question time. Who has a question?”
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is?
Steve”
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess веll go 20 minutes early?! And fifth, Where is “Bob”?!!

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School Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes USA Jokes

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says:
“My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says:
“I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says:
“My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.”
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father.
He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes USA Jokes Dad Jokes

I still remember the good old days in America,
When it was “Hands up OR I’LL shoot!”

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News and Politics Jokes USA Jokes

If u hate Donald Trump vote kick ass
I mean what freak stops a civilisation Look at his(sarcastically) "well thought plan to stop Muslims from entering America, " Police will ask them if they r Muslims"
Ever heard of lying genius!

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Dark Humor Jokes USA Jokes Police Officer Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

Gun control
Barack Obama was at a rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, and asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, ‘Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.’
Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
“Well, dumb-аss, stop clapping!”

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School Jokes USA Jokes Political Jokes

A Chinese Man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fаn of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
“You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour , get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies,
“Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same

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Men jokes USA Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Соndом-vending Machines are provided in some restrooms. When it comes to wall-scrawl, these dispensers take as much abuse as the wall above the urinals and the wisdom written in the stalls. Here are samples of what was scratched into the paint of various dispensers in the USA: …
…
‘This gum tastes funny.’ …
‘For refund, insert baby.’ …
‘Don’t buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.’ …
‘No glove, no love.’ …
‘No balloon, No party.’

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USA Jokes

My twin sons Craig and Stuart are going to America to audition on the X factor when it starts over there.
“Hi, i’m Craig Towers, and i’m Stuart Towers… and together we’re Twin Towers”
I’ve got a feeling they’ll go down well.

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USA Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Yo momma аss is so hairy its like Don King is about to jump out and shout "ONLY IN AMERICA!"

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USA Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

A long time ago, a father, visiting America for the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.
He constantly asked questions about products he saw, "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"
"Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."
A few minutes later, in a different aisle, "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?"
"Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle, "Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes USA Jokes Dad Jokes

Four million of these people enter our country - our beloved USA - every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they’re dirтy and they smell bad. THEY DON’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
(…But I still love babies.)

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Marriage and Family Jokes USA Jokes

Afghanistan picking a fight with America -- what the hеll? They can't afford cheese, and they want to fight America. You can't fight America if you can't afford cheese. First you get cheese, then you get cable, then you fight America.

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Food Jokes USA Jokes

I'm tired of hearing about how America's a bully. America is not a bully. Bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what America does. America gives you money -- and then we beat you up. We're the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, 'Hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. Be a shame if something happened to it.'

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Money jokes USA Jokes