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Wedding jokes

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A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.
The husband says, “We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you.”
“Yes, dear, anything you want,” replies the wife.
“Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that.”
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
“I have been unfaithful three times,” she says.
“Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time.”
“I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?” he asks.
“The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?” she said.
“Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time.”
“Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short….”
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How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self.
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What do you call a situation when two people are thinking of sеx and rest of the people are thinking about food? ….
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A Wedding ……
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A woman without curves is like a pair of Jeans without pockets; ….
You don’t know where to put your hands!
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Obscene caller: Hi baby, if you can guess what’s in my hand I will let you have it. ….
Lady: Listen, if you can hide it in one hand then I am not interested!
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At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.
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I’ve decided to marry a pencil. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
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Wedding jokes
Разчувствана, на нашата 20 годишнина, съпругата ми попита: - Спомняш ли си първия път, когато правехме секс?“ - Аз не помня кога за последен път правихме, ти ме питаш за първия ...
Feeling sentimental during our anniversary, my wife asked, “Do you remember the first time we had sеx?”
My reply, “I don’t even remember the last time we had sеx.”, ended the night rather abruptly.
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Sex Jokes Wedding jokes
I didn’t fаrт in front of my wife until we were married.
I don’t think the vicar was impressed.
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Wedding jokes Marriage and Family Jokes
Just married Το λοιπόν γινόταν ένας γάμος στην Κρήτη Тепачка на селска свадба Falusi lagziban hatalmas botrány tör ki, mert a vőlegény belerúg a menyasszonyba. A botrányból verekedés lesz, majd az egész társulat a rendőrségen köt ki. Miután az orvos ellátja a sérülteket, a... Na jednoj svadbi se desila tuča, tako da je morala prisustvovati policija. Nekoliko svatova pohapse i odvedu na policiju. Poicajac sada ispituje prvog uhapšenog za zapisnik. Ovaj priča: - "Pa tako... Tout le monde étant en état d’ébriété avancée, la fête de mariage avait tourné court. Au cours de la soirée, la bière et le whisky aidant, une bagarre éclate entre les deux familles. La police... Tout le monde étant en état d'ébriété avancé, la fête de mariage avait tourné court. A l'issue du repas, les représentants masculins des deux familles concernées en étaient venu aux mains. La... Et ungt par var lige blevet gift, og hele familien var nu i retten. Dommeren bad forloveren fortælle, hvad der var sket ved bryllupsfesten. Jo, forklarede han, - det er jo en tradition, at...
After a рiкеy wedding caused a mass riot recently, the best man ended up in court. In front of the judge, he was trying to explain the traditions of a ‘romany’ wedding:
Рiкеy Best Man: “Well, it was like this, your honour: as it is a custom for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I was, nice and close like, the groom comes over and kicks the bride in the сunт as hard as he could.”
Judge: “Gosh, that must have hurt.”
Рiкеy Best Man: “Hurt? You’re not kidding me - he broke three of me fuскing fingers.”
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Wedding jokes Men jokes
It was my anniversary last night. As my wife peeled the cloth away she said, “Da dah! Your dinner is served."
"I’m not eating that,” I replied, “It looks and smells revolting.” She said, “Just taste it."
"No f*cking chance.” I replied, “Put those knickers back on.” - The Joke Cafe
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Wedding jokes Dirty jokes
What’s long, hard and given to a Ukrainian bride on her wedding night?
A new last name.
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Wedding jokes Polish jokes
I’m having my wedding reception at McDonald’s.
It will be my last ever happy meal.
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Wedding jokes
The other day it was me and my wive’s wedding anniversary, and I told her that to me she was like Неrоin.
”Why, because once you try me you come back for more?” She giggled.
”No”, I replied, ”because you ruin peoples lives.”
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Wedding jokes
Dinner at my in-laws place was ruined when they called me a filthy реdо.
Just because I’m 28 and she’s 18 doesn’t make me a реdорhilе.
It really ruined out 10th anniversary.
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Wedding jokes
Birthdays can be really nice … …
… …
But I heard that too many of them can кill you
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Wedding jokes
How do you tell a Polish bride at her wedding?
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She’s the pregnant girl in the white gown…
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Wedding jokes
My wife’s рissеd off with me for ruining our anniversary.
I’m not sure whether it’s because I took her to a Buy 1 Get 1 Free pub, or the fact I insisted that my meal was the free one.
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Wedding jokes
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride,
“As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.”
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride’s hand on his son-in-law’s arm and said.
“No deposit, no return.”
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Wedding jokes Boss Jokes
My wife and I were out for an anniversary meal.
“Eurgh. Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?” she asked.
“Errrrrr. How did you know?”
“It’s a glass table”.
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Wedding jokes
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."
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