Jokes about Women

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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
‘Yeah right!’ she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunк from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
Snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!
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Fishy -
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch..
Listen, love. He replied, It’s got nothing to do with you, I’ve paid my fare for this journey and I’ll do what I dамn well want on this train.
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, Could you stop that noise, can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?
It’s got nothing to do with you, replies the old woman, I’ve paid my fare and I’ll do what I want on this train.
At that, the man grabbed the woman’s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, Ha ha, you’ll get fined $200 for that!
To which the old woman replied, And you’ll get six years when the police smell your fingers.
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