Work Jokes, Office Jokes

My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office.
Sadly, he was talking to Security at the time.

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Office and Work Jokes

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even HE is against me?"

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said,
"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused and then replied, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”
The alarmed warden says, “Вlоw the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.
With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first - it looks as if it might be measles.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Two black guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75
Black guy one:
“Do you think it will work?
Black guy two:
“Only one way to find out.”
Bg1:
“I only have $50”
Bg2:
“Well, I have $100, I’ll go do it then give you my change
Bg1:
“Let’s do it then”
BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.
Bg1:
“Holy shiт it actually worked! Let me get that $25”
Bg2:
“Fuск you, niggеr. Get a job.”

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Office and Work Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Every morning before leaving for work I check my pockets for wallet, keys and phone and do 75% of the Macarena.

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Office and Work Jokes

Pedro worked in a pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his реnis in the mango slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Tecla, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Pedro tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his реnis in the mango slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Tecla gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact реnis.
She looked up and said, “I don’t understand. What about the mango slicer?”
.
Pedro replied, “She got fired, too.”
Pedro is expecting divorce papers any day now.

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Office and Work Jokes

Useful work phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
Your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
You're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
It's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is
Purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
Care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
And sтuрid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
Mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Sатаn, but my duties are
Largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
People learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
Smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
Message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
Toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
Cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
Destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
Strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to
Humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh
Nervously, and change the subject.

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Office and Work Jokes

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunк on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the drunк “do you live here?”
“Yep”.
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”
“Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?”
“Yep”.
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunк. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunк.
So he asked that drunк “Do you live here?”
“Yep”.
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”
“Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunк.
Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunк. So he started over to him.
But before he got to him, the drunк staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.
He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A young couple were married and they were having sеx all the time during their honeymoon. ….
….
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sеx schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. …
…
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. …
…
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. …
One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:
A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David
The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:
We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew.
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, Idiots!
Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the Аss on that Woman.’

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

I work making coins for the Royal Mint but me and the other staff all went on strike today.
We want to make less money.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says,
"Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says,
"Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

(Note: this joke worked better in the fifties, sixties and earlier.)
“Mrs. Jones, I have some good news”
“It’s miss Jones Doctor”
“Miss Jones I have some bad news”

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

A third grader that got into trouble from time to time was in the principal’s office for a quiet talking to. “And Peter,” asked the principal, “how do yu like your teacher? Do you get along all right?’
“Oh, yes sir,” replied Peter. “ I think she’s the cream of the coop.”

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes

I called my boss this morning and said, “I won’t be coming in today, my brother died last night.”
“How many brothers do you have?” he asked.
“6.” I replied.
“Gotcha!” he said, “You’ve used this excuse 7 times now, how is this possible???”
I said, “I used to have 13 brothers.”

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Office and Work Jokes

This morning my boss called me a disrespectful ваsтаrd.
I was so shocked I nearly fell off his chair.

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Office and Work Jokes

Can’t believe how sеxy politics has become since Barack Obama took office. When he was on the TV the other day I think I must have jеrкеd off about 3 times.

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Office and Work Jokes Political Jokes

Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1:
“I had sеx last night, did you?”
Woman 2:
“Yes.”
Woman 1:
“Was it good?”
Woman 2:
“No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sеx in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?”
Woman 1:
“Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sеx and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!”
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1:
“You wanted sеx last night, how was it?”
Husband 2:
“Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sеx with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?”
Husband 1:
“It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t сliмаx for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Sex Jokes