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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
"Dad, how many kinds of воовs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks:
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his реnis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the ваlls are just for decoration.”
Семейство на вечеря. Синът пита бащата: 3-те фази на женските гради и 3-те фази на пенисот Un jeune garçon demande à son père: La famiglia è seduta a cena. Il figlio chiede improvvisamente al padre: En familj sitter runt middagsbordet och sonen frågar om han kan få ställa en fråga. Pappan svarar. "Ja visst, fråga på bara" Den unga mannen frågar sin pappa, "Pappa, hur många olika typer av bröst... En familj är samlad vid matbordet en kväll och sonen vill ställa en fråga: - Pappa? Hur många typer av bröst finns det? Pappan svarar, lite förvånad: - Det finns tre. Mamman och tonårsdottern... De familie zit samen te eten. De zoon vraagt aan zijn vader: pa hoeveel soorten borsten zijn er eigenlijk? De vader is een beetje verwonderd maar antwoordt: "Wel zoon, er zijn 3 soorten. Vrouwen... Een familie zit gezellig te tafelen als de zoon plots zeer ernstig naar de vader kijkt: "Papa, mag ik een persoonlijke vraag stellen?" " Doe maar, jongen." " Hoeveel soorten borsten bestaan er?" De... Een familie zit gezamenlijk aan tafel, plots vraagt de zoon aan zijn vader: “Papa, hoeveel soorten borsten zijn er?” De vader is door de vraag eerst even in de war, maar antwoordt dan: “Nou zoon,... En familie sidder ved aftensbordet og sønnen spørger sin far: "Far, hvor mange slags bryster er der?" Faderen svarer lidt forskrækket: "Nu skal du høre min søn, der er tre slags bryster: i 20'erne... Ģimene sēž pie vakariņu galda. Dēls jautā tēvam: “Tēti, cik veidu krūtis tu vari nosaukt?? ” Tēvs izbrīnīts, manāmi šokēts par jautājumu atbild: “Nu vispār ir 3 veidu krūtis. Sievietēm viņu 20...
Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes Boob Jokes
Медицинска сестра сутрин минава да види пациентите и всички и казвали: A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was... President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork and the error was... Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the... La Mère supérieure du couvent, réveillée de bonne humeur, décide de faire le tour des cellules. C'est le début de la matinée dans le couvent. Deux religieuses se dirigent vers le réfectoire pour prendre le petit déjeuner. Sur le chemin, elles croisent la Mère Supérieure qui semble d'une... O Papa e o Clinton morreram e foram para o céu. No dia seguinte eles se encontram e o Papa confessa a Clinton: — Não vejo a hora de encontrar a Virgem Maria! — IIhh! Acho que agora é tarde! Siostra Przełożona udając się na poranne modlitwy, minęła po drodze dwie młode zakonnice, które właśnie z porannych modlitw wracały. Mijając, pozdrowiła je: - Dzień dobry dziewczęta, niech Bóg... En nunna vaknade en vacker morgon och bestämde sig för att ta en promenad. Hon steg upp och tog på sig sina skor. När hon hade gått en stund mötte hon en annan nunna som log och sa: - Har du... Un preot Tanar se scula de dimineata, se Imbraca, se spala si se indrepta Spre sala de mese. Pe drum, doua calugarite il Salutara si, pe urma, ii spusera discret: - Parinte, v-ati sculat...
Religion jokes
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to кill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't кill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to кill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, ваnging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiот loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that вiтсh to death'.
В школа за тайни агенти, до последния изпит успели да се класират само американеца, французина и Бай Ганьо. В ЦРУ се провежда конкурс за вакантно място за наемен убиец, последната задача е била: В ЦРУ се провежда конкурс за длъжност "килър". Задачата на всеки кандидат е да убие собствената си жена с пистолет, която е в съседната стая. The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. La CIA tenía una vacante para un asesino. Estas posiciones altamente clasificadas son duras de llenar, y hay muchas pruebas y verificación de referencias implicadas antes de que usted pueda incluso... ЦРУ объявило конкурс, победитель которого станет их агентом. CIA Agenten Auftragskiller für die CIA Die CIA sucht einen neuen Topagenten für streng geheime Missionen. Im engeren Auswahlverfahren blieben 3 Männer übrig. Alle bisherigen Tests haben diese 3 Männer bereits bestanden. Es wird ihnen... Le FBI décide de sélectionner son agent le plus fidèle pour une mission de confiance. Trois gars veulent rentrer au FBI, leur patron leurs dit : Οι σφαίρες A CIA resolveu recrutar um agente. Após uma série de seleções, entrevistas, testes, escolheram três candidatos: um Francês, um Inglês e um Brasileiro. Para a prova final, os agentes da CIA colocaram os candidatos diante de uma porta metálica e entregaram-lhes uma pistola. — Queremos ter a certeza... Egzamin w szkole agentów CIA. Do sali wchodzi student. Instruktor mówi: - W pokoju obok znajduje się Twoja dziewczyna. Tu masz pistolet. Masz ją zabić w 30 sekund. Po 30 sekundach student wraca i mówi: - Sorry, nie mogłem tego zrobić. Kolejny student.... CIA zatrudnia zabójcę. Jest trzech kandydatów: dwóch facetów i kobieta. Zanim dostaną swoje pierwsze zadanie muszą zostać sprawdzeni, czy są gotowi na wszystko. Pierwszy facet dostaje do ręki... 100 personer ansökte till CIA för att bli agenter. Till slut återstod det bara 4 stycken, 3 män och en kvinna. – Den sista uppgiften går ut på att döda, ni får varsin pistol och när ni kommer in i... Cia hade en ledig tjänst som lönnmördare. Efter all bakgrunskontroll, alla intervjuer och tester var det tre personer kvar, två män och en kvinna. För sluttestet tog CIA-agenterna en av männen till... De CIA heeft een vacature voor een huurmoordenaar. Nadat alle background checks, interviews en testen gedaan zijn, blijven er drie kandidaten over... twee mannen en een vrouw. Voor de laatste test... De CIA organiseert een vergelijkend examen voor moordenaar. Een paar honderd kandidaten leggen een aantal proeven af, waarna er drie finalisten overblijven: twee mannen en een vrouw. De eerste man... CIA-agenten CIA søgte ny topagent. Tilbage af en masse ansøgere var tre personer tilbage, to mænd og en kvinde. Så siger de til den første mand: “Derinde sidder din kone, gå ind og skyd hende.” Han... CIA søgte agenter CIA søgte nye folk, og man havde modtaget tusinder af ansøgninger og gennem et væld af indledende prøver havde man fået indsnævret antallet af kandidater til to mænd og en kvinde.... På Militærets spesialtreningsavdeling er man i gang med psykologiske tester. Kommandanten har tre fallskjermjegere, en 25-åring, en 35-åring og en 45-åring inn til årviss sjekk. Han plasserer kona... Tre tjenestemenn skulle gjennom en eksamen for å bli spesialagenter i politiet. Instruktøren skulle teste de nye agentene for hvor langt de ville gå i å adlyde order, så han ga den første fyren en... CIA hadde en ledig stilling som leiemorder. Etter at alle bakgrunns-sjekker, intervjuer og tester, var det tre personer igjen. To menn og en kvinne. Før siste avgjørelse ble tatt ble en av mennene...
Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes
Шефа ми пристигна с ново Порше на работа. Викам му "яка кола". - Директоре многу ви е убав новио Мерцедес. Директоре, многу убав Мерцедес сте купиле! - Ааа фала. Ако работиш и натаму напорно како до сега, догодина и на жена ми ке и' купам ваков. A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car. "That is amazing" the employee was fascinated. "That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year". - Patrón, me gusta mucho su auto nuevo. - Muchas gracias, si trabajas duro y con mucho esfuerzo.... el próximo será mejor. Сегодня наш начальник приехал на работу, на новой машине... O empregado esta em serviço, quando chega o chefe, num lindo carro zero. O empregado não se contém, olha pra ele e diz: Pomoni ajoi työpaikan pihaan upouudella bemarilla. "Hieno auto" huudahdin. "Kiitos! Työskentele ahkerasti ja tee ylitöitä niin saan vielä hienomman ensi vuonna"
Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes
One evening a husband and wife were in bed.
The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's раnтiеs then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's раnтiеs then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sеx. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says:
"Dear, I’m all ready!"
"For what? "
"Well, for sеx, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!"
"Huh? Sеx?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book."
Мъж и жена в леглото, четат книги. Mann und Frau liegen abends im Bett. Der Mann liest ein Buch. Plötzlich fässt er unverhofft seiner Frau zwischen die Beine. Sie: "Oh, das war schön! Sag bloß, du hast endlich mal wieder Lust auf... C'est l'histoire de ce couple, marié depuis 15 ans. Un homme au lit avec sa femme, il lit un magazine. L'homme envoie sa main sous la jupe de sa femme. Femme: Mais qu'est ce que tu fais? L'homme: Du calme je ne fais que mouiller mes doigts pour... Ένα ζευγάρι παντρεμένων είναι ξαπλωμένοι στο κρεβάτι. Ο σύζυγος διαβάζει την εφημερίδα του. Σε μια στιγμή βάζει το δάχτυλό του στο μ***ι της γυναίκας του! L’uomo è sul letto e legge un libro, allunga la mano verso la moglie e la tocca fra le cosce. Lei chiede: – caro vuoi sesso? – No, bagno il dito per girare pagina Vítima da rotina proporcionada por vinte anos de vida em comum, aquele casal já estava fazendo aniversário de abstinência sexual. Todas as noites, o marido sentava-se na cama, com um livro apoiado... Młoda mężatka skarży się swojej matce, że jej mąż wcale wieczorem nie wykazuje nią zainteresowania, tylko ciągle czyta książki. Matka chcąc pomóc córce stwierdziła, że jako bardziej doświadczona w... Mannen och kvinnan hade varit ovänner en längre tid och det hade inte varit mycket med det sexuella... En kväll när dom båda låg i sängen och läste, så kände kvinnan mannens hand mellan benen och... Mannen läser en bok i sängen med frun liggandes bredvid. Han börjar ta henne på musen. - Åh, vill du ha sex? - Nej, jag vill bara blöta fingret så jag kan vända sida… Mannen läser en bok i sängen och har frun bredvid sig. Han börjar helt plötsligt ta henne lite försiktigt på musen. Frun överlyckligt: - Åh, vill du ha sex? Mannen: - Neej, jag vill bara blöta... Sotul si sotia stau seara in pat. Sotul citeste o carte. La un moment dat sotul isi pune mana intre picioarele femeii. Ea il intreaba fericita: - Vrei sex? - Nu,vroiam doar sa-mi ud degetele sa...
Marriage and Family Jokes
- Do you speak English? Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" "Name?" En la oficina árabe le atienden por teléfono: - ¿Me dice su nombre, por favor? - Jawad Gadaff - ¿Sexo? - 1 vez al día, pero no siempre. - ¡No, hombre, no! Me refiero, ¿hombre o mujer? - Correcto,... Neulich bei der Einwanderungsbehörde:,"Name?","Abu Dalah Sarafi.","Sex?","Four times a week.","No, no, no... male or female?","Male, female... sometimes camel..." Do you speak english? Αχμέτ Χουσεϊν All’Ufficio Immigrazioni: – Nome? – Mhoamhed. – Sesso? – 5 volte alla settimana. – Ma non in quel senso: maschio o femmina? – No importa, a volte anche con cammelli. Chiedono a Gheddafi: "ciao, nome?" e lui: "Gheddafi", e poi: "sesso?" e lui risponde: "cinque volte al giorno!" e loro chiedono: "con maschio o femmina?" e lui: "va bene anche cammello!". Temel Amerika'ya gelir uçaktan iner pasaport olayı filan falan — Qual o seu nome? No balcão da Alfandega: Seu nome ? Abu Abdalah Sarafi. Sexo? Quatro vezes por semana. Não, não, não! Homem ou mulher? Homem, mulher. Algumas vezes camelo. - Name? - Abdul Anubi al-Dzabiri. - Sex? - Four times a week - No, no, male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel... An arab at the airport: - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No, no... I mean male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel. - Holy cow! - Cow, sheep, animals in... En man som är dålig på engelska kommer in på en arbetsförmedling i Holland för att söka jobb! - Name - Abu Dalah Sarafi. - Sex? - Four times a week. - No, no, no, male or female? - Male,... An arab at the airport: - Name? - Abdul al Rahzib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No, no...I mean Male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel. - Holy cow! - Yes, cow, sheep,... - NAME? - Muhjmatil Ahmed. - SEX? - Three times a week! - NO, I MEAN; MALE OR FEMALE? - Doesnt matter. Sometimes even with camel... Q: Your name please? A: Abdul Aziz Q: Sex? A: Yes. Two times every week. Q: No no. I mean, Male or Female? A: Not matter. Sometimes also camel ! Q: Naam? A: Abdul Asis Q: Sexe? A: Ja iedere week 2 keer. Q: Nee, ik bedoel man of vrouw? A: Maakt niet uit, soms ook kameel. - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No, no! I mean male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel... - Holy cow! - Yes. Cow, sheep... animals in general. - But isn't... An Arab at the airport: - 'Name?' - 'Abdul al-Rhazib.' - 'Sex?' - 'Three to five times a week.' - 'No, no... I mean male or female?' - 'Male, female, sometimes camel.' - 'Holy cow!' - 'Yes, cow,...
Dog jokes
Българин влиза във Македония, митничарят на английски го пита: A German went to France for holiday and here is the scene, French border staff: Occupation? German: No, no, no, just visiting. A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: “Name?” German: “Heinrich Klimt” Police officer: “Age?” German: “31” Police officer: “occupation?” German: “No, no. Just visiting” Un german pe aeroport in Paris. Vamesul francez se uita la pasaport si intreaba: - Ocupation? La care neamtul: - Nu, nu, doar im vizita!
Nationality Jokes Aviation Jokes