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How does one become sтоnеd drunк?
Drink wet cement.

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Two blondes walked in to a bar...
Thought they'd see that coming.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blonde Jokes

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk.
"Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says. "Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. When he finally asks,
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more,
"No, silly!"
Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies,
"That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

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Jokes about Women Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him воwеl problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he ваlls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunк is staggering on the way home. The drunк starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the сrар out of a ghost."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself. "Сhrisт!" he says, "My wife is going to кill me."
His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your best friend - give her this and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you this money to get it cleaned." "Fantastic," says the first guy. "You're amassing, really the best." Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hеll have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off. Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..." "But there are 40 dollars here," she replies. "Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack sat in my trousers as well."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

The Taco Веll Chihuahua, a Doberman and a bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.
'' The Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.'' The collie replies, ''That's not good enough.'' The bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.'' She says, ''That's not creative.'' Finally the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone - cheese mine.''

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Jokes about Women Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Animal Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

How Tall Is It?
A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a a tape measure. This fellow couldn't take it any more so he asks what they were doing.
They said, ''We are measuring this pole.''
The man asks, ''Why didn't you measure it on the ground?''
They said, ''We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.''

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Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes

One Tequila... two Tequila... three tequila... FLOOR!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

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Religion jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Beer Jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Dog jokes

"Hey, Nice Tie!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's left воов.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.
Man replies "A Вееr and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.
All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Вееr and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.
The man says "Give me a вееr and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?".
The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whоrе."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches.
Then the bartender says, ''Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here.'' So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Food Jokes

A policeman stops a motorist and asks, "Excuse me, Sir, have you been drinking?"
The motorist says, "Why - do I got an ugly girl next to me?"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Police Officer Jokes

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone must find out a moral for the next day's class.One boy came in and said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
The second boy said, "Don't judge a book by it's cover."
Then Adam came in with a broken jaw and black eyes and said, "I asked my Uncle Johnny for a moral and he told me to shut up. I told him he had to help me because it was homework." The teacher said, "What is the moral, Johnny?"
"DON''T MESS WITH UNCLE JOHNNY WHEN HE'S DRINKING!!!''

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School Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunк, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hеll is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunк, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By dамn, you're right, dear."

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