Mom jokes

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"A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He said, 'Call for backup.' "

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"Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day? Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it."

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"Motherhood: Because going to the bathroom in private is over-rated."

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"It's spicy: universal Mom Code for 'I don't want to share.' "

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"I'm homeschooling like that substitute teacher who rolls in the tv for a movie and just eats snacks in the back of the class." @fruitsofmotherhood

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"If I get through this quarantine without buying a tie-dye sweatsuit I can do anything." @alyssalimp

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"I love my kids. Not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking, but I love them."

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"Mom's recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold."

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"They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast."

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"A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do in a day."

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"Important truth no one tells a first-time mom: Both of you come home from the hospital in diapers."

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"Please excuse the mess, my kids are making memories. Of me yelling at them. To clean up the mess."

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"I love it when I find myself screaming 'STOP SCREAMING' at my kids. That's how I teach them irony." @motherhoodandmore

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"Other moms: Are you okay?! Let’s clean that up. I’ll take care of you.
My mom: Maybe if you listened when I told you not to do that, you would be perfectly fine right now."

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"Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious."

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"One minute you are young and cool, maybe even a little dangerous, and the next you are reading Amazon reviews for birdseed." @simoncholland

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"Kid: Mom, stop. You aren't funny. Mom: I made you."

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"Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom on Mother’s Day? Because she left the phone off the hook."

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