Mom jokes

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"What did mommy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web."

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"What kind of sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars."

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"Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard."

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"What's black and white and goes round and round? A реnguin in the washing machine."

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"Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater? She was chili."

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"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

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"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
Erma Bombeck

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“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.”
Reese Witherspoon

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"Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home."
Phyllis Diller

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“The majority of my diet is made up of foods that my kid didn’t finish.” Carrie Underwood

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"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy." Michelle Pfeiffer

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"Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or сrаск up and just scream, 'This is ridiculous!' Because there's so much nonsense, whether it's what they're saying to you or the fact that there's avocado or роор on every surface."
Kristen Bell

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"Kids are challenging. Wine is necessary."
Kelly Clarkson

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“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.”
Jenny McCarthy

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"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I come out."
Erma Bombeck

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"Does this baby make me look fат?"
Amy Schumer

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"Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I'm looking forward to investigating in the future."
Amy Poehler

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"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."
Nora Ephron

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