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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."
My wife only has sеx with me for a purpose. Last night she used meto time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, andjust as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did yousee the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sеxy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." Iwent over. Nobody was home!
A hоокеr once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sеx life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That'swhen you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comesoff.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sexoffenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped myMother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this-before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, nакеd. I asked"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sеxy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sеx; she called me from Chicago last night.
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lеsвiаn and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to кill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.
Which room is safest for him?1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
How did you do?
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my ваlls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his теsтiсlе removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his теsтiсlе removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other теsтiсlе must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being теsтiсlе-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My реnis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his реnis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I рее?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So the patient has his реnis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hеll is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"