Newest jokes - Page 103

I don't like the term "аnаl bleaching".
I prefer "changing your ringtone."

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Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
A: Lazy.

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Banker Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Accountant Jokes

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop:"May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man:"Ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife:"She needs to see you license and registration dear."
The old man hands it to the lady cop and...
Lady cop:"Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man:"Ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife:"Nothing dear, she thinks she used to know you."

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Police Officer Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes Couple jokes

I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Cheating Jokes

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.
He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

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Fishing Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes

Q: What's the idea of a blonde of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.

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Blonde Jokes Baby Jokes Beauty Jokes Birthday Jokes

An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears.
The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one."
Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual.
He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East."
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried.
"Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish."
The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes Genie jokes

Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.

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Accountant Jokes Money jokes Tax jokes

In year 1272 Arabics invented the соndом, using a goat's lower intestine.
In year 1873 the British somewhat reinvented the соndом by taking it out of the goat first.

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Vulgar jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise сrаск to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a dамn good thing, cause he sure as hеll can't wear glasses!"

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Little Johnny Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dad Jokes

Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey."
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?...Sugar."
So now, the third guy is under pressure.
He has to come up with something good.
After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes Restaurant Jokes

There was a hоrny young lady named Lil,
Who fuскеd dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her тiтs in Brazil!

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Gross Jokes Boob Jokes

Just got myself a 6ft 9 girlfriend. We haven't had sеx yet but i'm looking forward to our 1st time.
Apparently, she has a very small vаginа because everywhere we go hear men say "here comes that gorgeous bird with the little Сunт"

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Dirty jokes

What do a bungee jump cord and a hоокеr have in common?
If the rubber breaks you're sсrеwеd.

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Gross Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk,
"How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,
"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

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Blonde Jokes Customer service jokes

"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Dear God!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

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Dentist Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him.
The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple.
He smelled it and said, "That's maple."
They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him.
And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.
"Boy," he said "This is difficult.
Flip that board over and let me smell the other side."
So they took they waitress and put her аss near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't fool me!
That's the shiт house door from a tuna boat!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunк, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Holiday Jokes

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