Newest jokes - Page 103

Jоск Воотy Call... Slide:
Hey ваве, you make me wanna slide into third! High five!

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Sports Jokes

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night.
He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. What's wrong? asked Johnny. Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery - we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.

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Sports Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Men jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A golfer goes "whack" and yells, "Dамn!", while a skydiver yells, "Dамn!" and goes "whack."

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Sports Jokes Golf jokes

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the сrар out of their seeing-eye dogs.

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Sports Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a professional fisherman?
A: A master baiter.

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Sports Jokes

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A: It didn't have the guts.

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Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.
Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped a $10 bill in it and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $60 bucks you won. Don't Despair paid five to one!"

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Sports Jokes

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your аss.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me - what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me - how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hеll you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me - who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hеll out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

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Jоск Воотy Call... Shot:
Hey ваве, I have a shot I'd like to drive to your basket. High five!

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Sports Jokes

Jоск Воотy Call... Shooting:
Hey ваве, with you, I'd like to try some inside shooting. High five!

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Sports Jokes

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a рiss yesterday, I came three times!"

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Sports Jokes

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of соndом - gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"

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Sports Jokes

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sеx education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sеx education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. Great, said the teacher, that's very important.
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. Well, that has to do with it too, said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sеx education. Yes it does, said Johnny, it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.

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Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."
Jim: "Great trade!"

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Sports Jokes

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be вiggеr than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

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Sports Jokes

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and hоrny. In the check out stand she noticed a young bagger and thought she might approach him. When he asked if he could take her groceries to her car she excitedly said, "Yes."
As they headed to the door she touched his arm and said, "I have an itchy p***y." The young man smiled and kept walking. Feeling he maybe he didn't understand when they reached the door she said again, "I have an itchy p***y!"
The young man smiled and started to look around the parking lot, so she tried one more time, "I have an itchy p***y!"
The young man turned and replied, "Lady you're going to have to point it out because all those import cars look alike to me!"

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Dirty jokes

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town.
The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they held hands. A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they kissed and kept walking. A little later the woman askes the man, ''You want to sсrеw me don't you?'' The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?'' The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.''

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Sports Jokes

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling his wares. He is in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down, he leaves the car and starts walking and reaches a small farm house. He knocks and a middle aged man opens the door.
The salesman asks him for a place to sleep in the night. The farmer tells that he has only one room with a bed and on that he and his wife (who turns out be gorgeous) sleep. So the salesman sleeps on the bed with the farmer and his lovely wife.
In the middle of the night the farmer's wife gets hоrny and asks the salesman to come over to her side and f**k her! The salesman points towards the snoring farmer and whispers, ''He'll wake up!''
The farmer's wife replies, ''He's a sound sleeper. If you don't trust me pull a hair out of his аss and you will see that he won't wake up!''
The salesman tries and the farmer does not wake up. The salesman and the farmer's wife get into a f**king session. They repeat the act several more times that night and the salesman plucks a hair out of the farmer's аss everytime he goes to f**k the wife.
Finally the farmer wakes up and says, ''Hey, I don't mind you f**king my wife, but can you stop using my аss a scoreboard!?!''

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Sports Jokes

Confucious say, ''Baseball wrong. Man with four ваlls cannot walk."

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Sports Jokes

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital. When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!" The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room. The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out. The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it. "Well Coach, when that dамn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own ваlls!"

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