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Latest Jokes

If men think with their diскs then I want someone to вlоw my mind.

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Men jokes Sexist Jokes

They say a woman’s work is never done.
Maybe that’s why they get paid less.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Sexist Jokes

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”
John said, “What do you mean ‘twice’? We only did it once!”
Jill looked at John and said, “Well, we’re going to do it again, aren’t we?

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Sex Jokes

How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage?
Your having a what!?!

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

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School Jokes

Why are kindergarten teachers so optimistic?
Because every day they try to make the little things count.

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School Jokes

A close friend confided in me that she had finally found Mr. Right...
Later she confessed she did not realize that she had found Mr. Always Right!

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Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

My wife told me earlier today the spark between us had gone.
So I tasered her.
I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.

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Relationship Jokes

Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad.
Maybe I should let her in.

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Relationship Jokes

I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.
“Why am I being singled out?” I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
“Why? Because none of them have a sign saying ‘Fuск off back to your own country’. That’s why.”

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

EBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

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Jokes

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Jokes

If life is handing you melons... You might be dyslexic.

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One-Liner Jokes

Sushi lovers... they are "hooked" on raw fish.

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One-Liner Jokes

The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.

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One-Liner Jokes

There was a lady going to the bathroom.
As she was on her way, 2 students followed her eagerly to ask a question.
As she was entering the bathroom one of the students asked her:
"Is this your office Ma'am?"
She answered:
"My office is the other way, this is my other office"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

One day a man was driving down the road in his truck. His wife was sitting next to him and he had his arm around her shoulders. A police officer pulled him over because the man did not have both hands on the steering wheel. He received a ticket for unsafe driving but the man felt it was unjust. Hence, he appeared in court to try and fight the ticket. When the Judge asked him why he was not using both hands, the man replied, "Well, your Honor, I needed one hand to drive with." After the Judge composed himself, he dismissed the ticket.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Whenever I see you there is a smile on my face. And by smile I meant I laugh.

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Jokes

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know- Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O. K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button- Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did. Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press- Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous. Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O. K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

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Office and Work Jokes

I want to get a tattoo, but I don’t want to get something that’s going to look sтuрid when I’m older. So I’m getting “World’s Sexiest Grandpa”.

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Jokes