Newest jokes - Page 1137

Man: I want a вlоw job!
Woman: That’s not very romantic!
Man: Ok, I want a вlоw job next to a candle!!

0 0

A city feller was out driving in the mountains when around a curve a large mountain man stepped out and flagged him down. The city feller stopped, the mountain man got in and pulled a jar out of his coat pocket and said here take a pull out of this. The city feller said no thanks. The mountain man said no go ahead take a swig. The city feller again refused and said no I'm good. The mountain man now quite sternly demanded, I said take a drink, when the city feller once more refused the mountain man pulled a large horse pistol out of his pocket, pointed it at the city feller and roared, I said take a drink. The city feller said alright hand her here. He proceeded to take a healthy swig and for about 5 minutes he couldn't breathe, hear or see. When he finally got his wits about him, he asked the mountain man, how you can drink that stuff anyhow? The mountain man replied, I can't hardly, now you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink.

0 0

Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, “Are you ok, sir?”
“My son would have been two today…” I sobbed.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” She replied, “Do you mind if I ask what happened?”
“He was born a day late,” I replied, “Now I’ve got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads.”

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

My love is like a roller-coaster, it’s got a weight restriction.

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

A young guy at a bar:
“Hey, bartender. Pour me a cold one.”
“Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?”
“Maybe later. Right now I just wanna a вееr.”

0 0

Kids Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

I walked into the pub and the barman said, “Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Bob?”
“Whatever you’ve been drinking, mate.”

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one вееr chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the вееr.
When he comes back with the вееr only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says,
"Wow! You sure drank those fast."
The guy explains, :You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says,
"Fifty cents!"

0 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

I called into my local pub to find O"Reily nursing a black eye, and looking very sorry for himself. "so what happened to yourself O'Reily?"
"Well, today's Monday, yesterday was Sunday and I was in church. We stood to sing the hymns when I noticed that mrs. Magilicuddy who was stood in front of me, had her lovely sunday frock stuck in her cheeks, so I reached over and pulled it back out. well she swung around and belted me with her handbag!"
" Ah bad luck O'Reily, you being such a gentleman and all"
The very next week I called into the pub again to find O'Reily battered and bruised all over! " What happened to yourself O'Reily?"
"Well today's Monday, yesterday was Sunday And I was in church with Shamus, we stood to sing the hymns and mrs. Magilicuddy had her sunday frock all jammed up so Shamus pulled it out for her. Now I knew she doesnt like that so I quickly tucked it back in!

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

You’re so sweet I think you’re giving me diabetes.

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

Feel my shirt, it’s made of boyfriend material…

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

Would you like a free pearl necklace?

0 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says,
"I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies,
"OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says,
"I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says,
"All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

0 0

Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Man: Is your dad black?
Girl: No. Why do you ask?
Man: Because you’ve stolen my heart.

0 0

Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dad Jokes

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says,
"Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

0 0

Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say...
"Purrfection cannot be improved."
"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."
"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."
"Take my advice. I'm not using it."
"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."
"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

0 0

Animal Jokes

How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.

0 0

Animal Jokes

My parrot died today…
“It’s last words were:
“Fuск I think my parrot is about to die.”

0 0

Animal Jokes

I've always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, 'It's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.' I wouldn't go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

0 0

Animal Jokes Men jokes

I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Соw cheese and I see why the соw is laughing.

0 0

Animal Jokes

A man walks into a bar with his dog. …
…
“This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?” he asks. …
….
“You can have one on the house,” the bartender says. …
The man turns to his dog. “What goes on the top of a house?” …
…
Dog: RRRRoof!!!. …
…
Man:
“What does tree bark feel like?”
Dog: RRRRuufff!
Man:
“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?”
Dog: RRRuth!!.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. “That’s enough. You and your dog, get out.”
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

0 0

Animal Jokes Men jokes

Latest Jokes