Newest jokes - Page 116

A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vоdка and noone to drink them!"

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Yo momma is so fат when she sat on da toilet it said here's a carrot and a diet coke.

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Yo Momma Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

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Banker Jokes Men jokes Love Jokes

A major network is planning the show "Survivor" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gаy, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Military Jokes

Me (texting): Are we still on for today?
Reply Received: You don’t have to text me this every morning! As your boss, trust me when I say, WE ARE "ON" FOR WORK EVERYDAY, MON - FRI!

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One-Liner Jokes Boss Jokes

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a мurdеr trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

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Judge and Court Jokes

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

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Police Officer Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Chuck Norris beat Halo 3 on legendary with the drum set to Rock Band.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of Johnny.
The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was.
Little Johnny poked her in the вuтт with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Сhrisт!"
And fell back to sleep.
A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world.
Johnny poked her in the вuтт again and Sally screamed "oh my god!"
And fell back to sleep.
Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child.
Johnny poked her in the вuтт and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"

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Religion jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes God Jokes Bible Jokes

Chuck Norris finds it impossible to understand the concept of impossibility.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Daddy, are we going to jail? No princess, you and your brothers are. I am going to Russia!

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Donald Trump Jokes

The fuскing cat just asked me if he goes out Thursday do I want the radio left on

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Pet Jokes

One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.
They thought they would have some fun with him.
"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"
"Sure am," said the boy.
"If I didn't he would probably join the Army."

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Military Jokes Animal Jokes

Three guys are alone on a desert island: an engineer, a biologist and an economist.
They are starving and don't have a thing to eat, but somehow they find a can of beans on the shore.
The engineer says: "Let's hit the can with a rock until it opens."
The biologist has another idea: "No. We should wait for a while. Erosion will do the job."
Finally, the economist says: "Let's assume that we have a can opener".

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes

Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised): Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!

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School Jokes

Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
"If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An оrgy?"

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

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Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Restaurant Jokes

How many Feminists does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to sсrеw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.

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Feminist Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?'
His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?'
Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

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Dad Jokes Money jokes

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