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Bar and Bartender Jokes
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to."
"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says,
"I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
Money jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
At the local machine shop, Jim was a long time employee who took a new kid under his wing. Ryan, the new hire, was 20 years younger than Jim. He appreciated Jim's help in teaching him the ins and outs of working in a machine shop. They became fast friends, and after a few days decided to hit the local pub together for lunch. They picked a table near the bar, and while they were waiting for their drinks, Ryan noticed an ornery looking guy at the end of the bar staring at him.
"Wonder what that guys problem is," Ryan said to Jim.
"His name is Vic. A mean son of a gun if you've ever seen one. He's about your age, and I've known him pretty much his whole life. Always looking for trouble."
Sensing that they were talking about him, Vic called over to Ryan, "You talking to me?"
Ryan said to Jim, "I think he's looking for a fight. What should I do?"
"Well," said Jim, "when I was your age, I was about your size. Twenty years ago I could've whooped him."
"If you say so!" Ryan gets up and walks toward Vic. As he approached him, Vic hauls off and bam! Vic Knocked Ryan out cold. As Vic was being escorted out of the bar by bouncers, Ryan was coming to at the table where Jim was applying a cold compress to his jaw.
"I thought you told me 20 years ago you could've whooped him," Ryan said.
"I sure could have," Bill replied. "But 20 years ago, Vic would have been 10!"
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Farmer Jones’ rooster died, and he went into town to buy a new one. When he got to the seed and feed store, he was told that they had sold out of roosters, and that he would have to wait for the next shipment. Farmer Jones told the salesman that he had a long way to travel, and that he needed a rooster bad, did he know where one could be had at this time? The salesman told him that actually, there was one rooster left in the back of the store that they had sold 10 times already, but that people had been bringing him back, and that the store was going to get rid of him in the morning.
Farmer Jones asked what the problem was, and the salesman told him that the rooster was a bit over sexed. Farmer Jones thought about it for a minute, and decided that there were enough hens around his farm to keep a rooster plenty busy, so asked what the rooster would cost. The salesman said that he could have him, that the rooster had caused so much trouble, that they were glad to be rid of him.
That night, Farmer Jones got home about bedtime, and let the new rooster out in the farmyard, and went to bed. There arose a din of noise such as Farmer Jones had never heard before, and he almost went out to see what was the problem, when he remembered what the salesman had told him about the rooster being oversexed, and he decided that the rooster would play himself out by morning…
The next morning, Farmer Jones awoke to total silence. He looked over at his wife, and saw her laying there sprawled out on the bed with her skirt hiked up, a blissful smile on her face. He next went to the window and looked out over the farmyard, and saw all the animals layed out on their backs, smiling blissfully. Concerned, Farmer Jones went out into the yard, and looked around. As far as the eye could see, there were farm animals sprawled out with this big smile on their faces, and he noticed that the bodies led off into the distance toward a hill. On top of this hill, he could make out the rooster, flat on his back with buzzards circling over head. The farmer made his way through the bodies, up to the hill, and stood over the rooster, and said, “Well old boy, ya done did yerself in.”
The rooster cocked an eye, and said in a whisper, “Shhhhh, they’re about to land!”
Animal Jokes
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunк, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunк, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunк answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunк, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunк replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunк again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunк in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunк, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunк wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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