Newest jokes - Page 1252

Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"

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OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down... Etc.
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products..... Correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *
Ok.... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a тамроn and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (T. O. M) I go back to the cupboard..... And VOILA.... There is only ONE тамроn left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.
WELL..... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD.... At the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G. I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"
"Never mind!! Go play!!!!"

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said,
"Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it.... No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Tired of having to balance his wife Lucy’s checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the woman said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!”
Impressed, Bob came over to take a look.
“Let’s see … mortgage 550.00…electricity 70.50…phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled
As he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?”
“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place.”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Reagan would always say something I never understood when he was talking about the Russians:
'Trust, but verify' -- which, to me, makes no sense. If I trust my girlfriend when she says she was home by herself last night, I don't have to verify by checking up -- which I did, and she's a lying вiтсh.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

The wife was having a go at me. “Life’s just one big joke to you, isn’t it.”
“I don’t know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let’s talk about it.”
That’s when I pulled her chair away.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I have a boyfriend, so I started reading Cosmo Magazine for tips. Here's a tip: don't do that.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

“Ah, shut up,” I said, “you sound like my ex-wife.”
“What? I didn’t know you’d already been married. I thought I was your first wife.”
“You are.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

The wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
You don’t love me any more….”
“Nonsense, darling,” I replied, “you cook better now.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

50 Shades of Blue - the true story of a married man’s testicles

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning. Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that. The wife responded, But we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Teacher: Johnny what do you want to be when you grow up?
Johnny: Either an animal Vet or a Taxidermist.
Teacher: Why did you choose such different careers?
Johnny: Well, either way you get your dog back.

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Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes

At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.
"Okay," the boy said.
"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.... AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.

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Teacher: OK, Little Johnny, point to the USA on the map.
Little Johnny: OK!
Little Johnny points to the USA.
Teacher: Great job, Johnny! Now, who discovered the USA?
Little Johnny: I did!

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Little Johnny Jokes USA Jokes

Little Johnny’s teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “that’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “that’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that …represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle. The teacher said, “that’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “that’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggely lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “that’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “that’s an a-hole with cob webs…….. If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes

Little Johnny sat silently at the back of the class, along with his fellow students. His teacher began discussing vocabulary. She asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary raised her hand and said, 'I went to the beach yesterday, and the sea was fascinating'.
The teacher replied, 'Good attempt, Mary, but I want "fascinate", not "fascinating"'.
Harry waved his hand and stated, 'We visited Grandpa's farm yesterday and I was fascinated.'
Ms Davids shook her head. 'The word is "fascinate", but good try.'
Little Johnny waved his hand wildly at the teacher. "My aunt bought a new 10-button shirt the other day, but her воовs are too big and she can only fasten eight'. XD

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Little Johnny Jokes

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and
Staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
Pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he
Said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off
The plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

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Little Johnny Jokes Men jokes

Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack.

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Life Jokes

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

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Life Jokes

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

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Life Jokes

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