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A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sеx with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sеx with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.  So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, “Donald Trump Suскs” written in urinе across the snow. ….
….
Well, he’s is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the dамn front lawn! And they wrote it in urinе! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dаммiт, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:
“Well, Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urinе and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urinе.”
Trump says “Oh my God, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Dамn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues:
“And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her воwеl will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fсuкing with you, she’s dead.”
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It seems there was an agreement between two of the top power nations at the height of the arms race which grew out of their concern of global annihilation. Both sides agreed on a final end-all battle which would be one gigantic mean dogfight. Each would get five years to prepare their top animals. The first one, the Ugonauts, took the biggest, meanest Rottweiler and Doberman females and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves money could buy. Then they selected only the biggest, meanest pups of the litter to rebreed, year after year. It finally came to the big day. The Hugonauts had to drag their entry in with huge heavy ropes, and no one could get near the cage. The Argonauts toted in the craziest crate -- it was low to the ground and eight feet long. When they opened it, people gasped! Out waddled the funniest looking eight feet long wiener dog anyone had ever seen. People felt sorry for the Argonauts, and the Hugos snickered in disbelief. The heavy door to the Hugo's terror was slowly pulled open and out jumped the most hideous monster of a dog there'd ever been, snarling and growling. Just as the monster pounced at the neck of the wiener dog to take him out, the wiener dog opened its mouth and swallowed the Hugo's dog whole! Everyone was in total disbelief! The Hugos said they just couldn't understand it! They'd spent years and years perfecting this animal, how could this be? The Argo's glibly replied, "That's nothing. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for the top plastic surgeons in the world to come here and make this alligator look like a wiener dog!" (Just goes to show ya, things aren't always what they look like!)
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