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Through some cosmic fluke, Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIP’s, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
God, sitting on his throne, called to Reagan. “Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?”
“I tried to improve the US economy,” replied Reagan, “and I did my best to benefit the nation.”
“Very well, my son, come up and sit in the chair to my right.” And so Reagan sat at his right.
God then called up Gorbachev.
“Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?”
“I tried to make Soviet society more open,” replied Gorbachev, “and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy.”
“Very well, my son, come up and sit in the chair to my left.” And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
God then called up Thatcher.
“Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?”
“Only two things,” replied Thatcher. “First of all, I’m not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair?”
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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
Is your connection with God?"
And the man says,
"Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
Turns it back off."
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said,
"I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
Needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she says,
"That idiот, he's been рissing in the fridge!"
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There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Sатаn and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said,
"You won't believe what I heard. Sатаn and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man, "This donkey has been trained in a very unique way. The only way to make the donkey go is to say Hallelujah, and the only way to make it stop is to say Amen."
The man immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" he shouted. And immediately the donkey began to trot. "Amen!" he shouted again, and the donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great," he said. With Hallelujah he rode off very proud of his purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "STOP!" he blurted, "HALT!" he blurted again. The donkey just kept going, "Oh no, Bible! Church! Please stop!" cried the man.
He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer, "Please, dear God, please make this donkey stop before i go off this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN!"
The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step from the edge of the cliff. After a brief moment to catch his breath, the man joyously said,
"Hallelujah!"
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