Newest jokes - Page 146

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Q: How does a man plan for the future?
A: He buys two cases of вееr.

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A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking.
He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '

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A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One соndом nudges the other соndом and asks, "Hey, want to go get s**t-faced?"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his реnis. Immediately, he went to the doctor.
"I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a smallcongregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, he was walking down Main Street andhe happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar,drinking вееr. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of hiscongregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next tothe woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend saidsternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me takeyou home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviouslyvery drunк. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and hegrabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance andtumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lyingon top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said,"Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said,"But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well if you're thatfar into the game, you may as well finish!"

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A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of s**t in his hands.
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

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The U.
S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my вееr. Watch this.''

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A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.
"What's the deal?" the bartender asks.
The duck says, "It's opposite day."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunк, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunк or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"

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A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.
"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.
"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."
The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna кill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"

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A man walks into a bar and says,"Excuse me, I'd like a pint of вееr."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender."
Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

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A drunк man was staggering home with a pint of вооzе in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

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A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on."
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me , I was talking to the goose.''

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Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A cop pulls over a guy and says, "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed - have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After more shots, suddenly, he has a whole body.
The boy runs out of the bar and gets hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

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A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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