Newest jokes - Page 1513

My girlfriend keeps going on bout the time i jokingly put superglue on her mobile phone, honestly , she just can't let it go.

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Jokes

A sаdisт and a маsосhisт were locked in a room together.
In a very short while the маsосhisт began to freak out, begging "Hit me, hit me!” To which the sаdisт replied, “No"

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Jokes

When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don't know what they have against dogs........

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Jokes

Now that I'm getting older I seem to be gaining a different perspective on life.
When people say "have a good one", I reply, "At my age, I just want to have one!"

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Jokes

Three Chinese named Chu, Bu, and Fu went to America. Upon reaching there they decided to Americanize their names.
So Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck… and Fu decided to return to China.

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USA Jokes

George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying, “I cannot tell a lie!" But people often repeat this story because it shows Washington's honesty. One day, Little Suzy once asked her mother, "Mom, do people who never tell lies go to heaven?"
"Yes", her mother answered, "they are the only ones."
"Gosh, I bet it gets lonesome up there with just God and George Washington!” replied Little Suzy.

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God Jokes Political Jokes

A man was playing a game of golf with an assassin. In the middle of the game, they had a conversation.
Assassin:
"Hey, isn't that your wife and some guy f*cking in the car?"
Man:
"Oh my God, it is! Hey, I want you to shoot both of them for me, ok?"
Assassin:
"Okay, but I charge a thousand dollars per shot."
Man:
"Deal. I want you to shoot my wife in the head and the guy in the diск.
The assassin sets up his shotgun and he says this
Assassin:
"Hey, its your lucky day! Your about to get a two for one!"

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God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

If God hadn't meant the рussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.

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God Jokes Dirty jokes

When Eve was disobedient, God decreed that women everywhere would work hard and please their man and be happy and obedient. And He promised it would be so unto the corners of the Earth.
…
Then God made the Earth a sphere and laughed and laughed and laughed.

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

Wow what a session that was in the bedroom.
God only knows how many calories I burnt off there.
I fuскing hate putting the duvet cover on.

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God Jokes

Nuns were repainting their chapel, but they kept getting paint on their clothes, so they decided to remove them since they were alone.
They heard some one knocking at the door, and one of the nuns asked,
"Who is it?"
The man at the door answered, "The blind man!' so the nuns decided to to let him in.
The nuns opened the door, and the man said,
"Nice воовs! Where do you want the blinds?"

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God Jokes Men jokes

A priest, a wizard, and an engineer are sentenced to be beheaded. The priest is first and is offered a final request, to which he asks to pray. After saying a few words, he steps up to the guillotine. The blade falls, and an inch above his neck, its stops. He yells wildly "My God has saved me", and seeing this miracle, his captors release him. The wizard steps up, and he in turn asks to say a few words before his death. He says a few words in an unknown tongue, points at the guillotine, and then puts his head down to be lopped off. Again, an inch above his head the blade stops. He shouts wildly "my magic has saved me", and he is released. The engineer is than lead up to the block and says,
"For my last request, I would like to face up so I can see my death coming." He is placed looking up and just before they release the blade he shouts "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

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God Jokes

A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked,
"Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

My wife’s convinced there’s a poltergeist in our house.
Some days she wakes up with no knickers on, while on other days, pots and pans seem to fly through mid air and strike her on the head.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again!
Husband: I had to work late.
Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home?
Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.
The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner.
Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners.
Wife: It’s not a TV dinner!
Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate.
Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Me and my wife were lying in bed last night, when she asked me “If you could compare me to one thing in the universe, what would it be?”
I said “the sun.”
She asked “Aww, is that because I’m bright, beautiful and you couldn’t live without me?”
I said “No. It’s because not one person in the fuскing universe wants to look directly at you.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
“Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing”
“But, what?”
“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A fter the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sеxy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the hеll gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself....
When did I get a wife?

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A priest was walking down the sidewalk and saw a young boy pouring a liquid back and forth between two glasses. When he asked the boy what he was playing with, the boy told him that it was sulfuric acid. Horrified the priest took our his Holy water and offered to exchange with the boy.
When the boy said no, the priest tried to convince the boy that the holy water was better by telling him he had just put some of his Holy water on the tummy of a woman and she had passed a baby. The boy said,
"That's nothing, I accidentally dropped some of this on the tail of a cat and he passed a bus."

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes

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