Newest jokes - Page 1545

You can remove a book’s appendix without any problem.
But spinal damage is usually fatal.

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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes

There were three criminals and one priest. the first criminal enters the church and says:
"I did something horrible on the 15th of January" the priest asks him "well what did you do?" the burgler says "i rареd a woman" so the priest tells him to go bathe in holy water and go pray. The very next day the 2nd criminal comes to the priest and says the same thing except he killed a man on the 16th of January, so the priest tells him to go bathe in holy water and pray too. The very next day, Finally the 3rd criminal comes to the priest and says "I DID SOMETHING REALLY REALLY BAD" the priest says "well what did you do?"
And the criminal answers:
"On the 14TH of January................................... i urinated in the holy water"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ollie standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ollie, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Ollie.’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, vat is dis?’ The pastor said, ‘Well, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ollie’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Men jokes

What do a woman and a beehive have in common?
If you stick your соск in one, there’s a chance that a little fuскеr’s going to come out and never leave you alone.

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Jokes about Women

My wife read me an article in a women’s magazine, about “how a woman can tell if a bloke is any good in bed just by how he is on the dance-floor”.
What a load of воllоскs!
If a guy’s on a dance-floor, getting into it and really enjoying and expressing himself, what does it matter to a woman what he’s like in bed?
It’s obvious he’s fuскing gаy.

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Jokes about Women Gay and Lesbian Jokes

I went into the chemist last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”
“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.
I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Masturbation jokes

I went into a brothel and said, “How much for аnаl?”
She said, “Sixty quid.”
I said, “Ah, that’s a bit expensive. I think I’ll leave it.”
She said, “Tight аrsе.”
I said, “Oh, go on then.”

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Sex Jokes

It has been known for many years that sеx is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sеxuаl activities.
Now, after original and proprietary research, they are proud to present the results:
Removing her clothes:
With her consent………… 12 Calories
Without her consent…….. 187 Calories
Opening her вrа:
With both hands………… 8 Calories
With one hand………….. 12 Calories
With your teeth………….85 Calories
Putting on a соndом:
With an еrестiоn……….. 6 Calories
Without an еrестiоn……. 315 Calories
Preliminaries:
Trying to find the сliтоris.. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot. 92 Calories
Positions:
Missionary……………. 52 Calories
69 lying down…………..78 Calories
69 standing up……….. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow………….. 216 Calories
Her on top……………. 524 Calories
Doggy Style…………… 726 Calories
Donkey punch………….. 912 Calories
Orgasmic:
Real………………112 Calories
False……………. 315 Calories
Post оrgаsм:
Lying in bed hugging…….. 18 Calories
Getting up immediately…….36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately…………….816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ЕRЕСТIОN: If you are
20-29 years old…….. 36 Calories
30-39 years………… 80 Calories
40-49 years………….1124 Calories
50-59 years……….. 1972 Calories
60-69 years……….. 2916 Calories
70 and over…. Results are still pending
Dressing up afterwards:
Calmly………… 32 Calories
In a hurry…….. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door… ……………1218 Calories
With your spouse knocking at the door…………….. 5521 Calories

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Sex Jokes

The other day I had sеx with my third cousin.
She was way better than the first two.

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Sex Jokes

Recent study shows that маsтurватing twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.
I’ve done the maths. I am immortal.

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Sex Jokes

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”
“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”
“Yeah, shut up Joe - I was talking to your mother.”

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Sex Jokes

Why do Asians eat cats before sеx?, because when you got a little diск you got to eat the рussy first.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

This is a true story.
On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You’ve heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?
I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can’t they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.
I’m finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jеrк and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other:
“Thanks for helping me separate these two carts.”

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Men jokes

Little jhonny said to the teacher miss i need to pee
Teacher: wait 1 minute
Jhonny: miss i need to pee
Teacher: sing your alphabet
Jhonny: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: very good jhonny but were's the p
Jhonny: running down my leg

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Jokes

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.
The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.
On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.
Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says:
"Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?!?!"

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Hotel Jokes

An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move.
When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a “W. C.” [water closet, a euphemism for toilet] around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a “W. C.” around. The [Swiss] schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the [Swiss] parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters “W. C.,” and the only solution they could find for the letters was “Wayside Chapel.” The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W. C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early: although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it; while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W. C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a веll donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can’t attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain.
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.
9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.
8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.
7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.
6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.
5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"
4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."
3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."
2. When the women of the house are gone, get out your secret 'Old Yeller' video and have a good cry together.
1. Shot put catching.

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Jokes about Women School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Usually I don't post long jokes but whatever.
1. Reading this is no sweat right?
2. Well i bet you can't say "world wide web" 10 times fast out loud.
3. All of you people tried saying that
4. So if you didn't tried saying that then good job.
5. what i if told you this that you missed The period on number 3.
6. but wait... what If i told you that you read number 5 wrong.
7. you checked Number 5.
8. you're smilinG.
9 yoU're smiling and giggling.
10. But did you notice that you missed the peRiod on number 7.
11. You checked but realized That there actually is a period.
12. Oh no now you're startIng to smile.
13. so by now, you Might have started to double check your periods right?
14. wEll that's good because now you will get higher marks in school but i don't need school cuz im too cool for school.
Now read all the caps.

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School Jokes

School's getting dangerous. Make me feel good I dropped out when the hеll I did.

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School Jokes

Latest Jokes