Newest jokes - Page 222

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.

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"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."

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Gross Jokes Dating Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: Two vampires fighting over a used тамроn.

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Gross Jokes Vampire jokes

There was a vampire who suскеd people's blood for many centuries. God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hеll!"
The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good."
God agreed.
Then the vampire said, ''I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud.''
''That seems easy enough,'' replied God.
''I would also like to have wings like an angel.''
''OK,'' replied God.
Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request. ''God, if possible, could you let me suск a little blood?''
''Sure,'' replied God, ''but only once a month.'' And he turned the vampire into a маxi pad with wings.

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Gross Jokes God Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar?
A: There's a string hanging out of your Вlооdy Mary.

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Gross Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Vampire jokes

Boy Monster:
Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's? Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you. Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a рiss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight раnтiеs rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a сrар instead."

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Gross Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Couple jokes

An old woman walks into a s*ex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she asks in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"

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Gross Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Masturbation jokes

Q: What compliment do you NOT want from a мidgет?
A: Wow! Your hair smells good!

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Gross Jokes

- You've got a hole in your head.
- You always hang around with two nuts.
- Your closest neighbor is an a**hole.
- Your best friend is a рussy.
- Every time you get excited, you throw up.

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes

At a rally John McCain was asked if he wore boxers or briefs.
He replied, "Depends."

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Gross Jokes

What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

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Gross Jokes

How can you tell if you have an underbite?
You're eating p***y and it tastes like s**t!

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Gross Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I sсrеwеd your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunк!''

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Q: Whats the height of desperation?
A: A vampire suскing blood from a sanitary napkin.

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Gross Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: What do you call a Shih-Tzu mixed with a poodle?
A: A Shih-Tzpoo

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Gross Jokes

There are three types of sеx in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sеx. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sеx. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sеx is Hallway Sеx. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Sсrеw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sеx. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to sсrеw each other in public.

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

Two brunettes and a blonde...
Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of роор behind.
The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the роор is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."
So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"
And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

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Gross Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales.
The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says, "Let me tell you a story.... One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, 'Get off your horse.' Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, 'Now drop your pants.' Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, 'Now s**t.' Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I s**t. Then he says, 'Now eat it.' Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, 'Drop your pants.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say, 'Now s**t.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He s**ts. Then I say, 'Now eat it.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are suскеd right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is suскеd in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets suскеd in. Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Неll," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

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