Newest jokes - Page 2343

Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

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Beauty Jokes

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"
He rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
He rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunк.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

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Sports Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes Nurse jokes

Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.

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Relationship Jokes Attitude Jokes

It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!

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Flirt jokes

Approaching the woman at a single’s bar, the young man said, “Hi cookie. How about a date?”
“Forget it,” she said. “I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“We are both in luck,” he said. I’m far from perfect.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Single People Jokes

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.
Roger said, “Troy, I’ll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like.”
“Okay,” said his buddy.
“Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She’s short on looks, but she gives an incredible ‘you know what’. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels.”
“Say no more,” interrupted Troy. “I’ll go for head over heels anytime.”

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Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes

I bet nerdy kids in math call their friends Algebros.

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Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes Friendship Jokes Math Jokes

Anant said I am infected with a Highly Dangerous Virus Called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).
So he immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR).... Center to take antidotes known as.
- "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE)
- Radioactive UnWORK Medicine (RUМ)
- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (ВЕЕR)

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes

What kind of horse comes out only after night?
A night-mare!

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Farmer Jokes

Terrorists have hijacked a planeload of lawyers bound for a legal convention.
They’ve threatened to start releasing the lawyers one by one until their demands are met.

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Lawyer Jokes Terrorist jokes

Why do you have to watch your back at NASA? They want to probe Uranus.

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Space jokes

Knock knock
Whos there?
Police
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock knock jokes

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Knock-knock jokes

I met this girl at a party the other week.
She had a T-Shirt on with the words “Make Love Not War”.
So I tried it on with her, you should’ve seen the fuскing fight she put up.

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Military Jokes Criminal Jokes

A man was having problems with premature еjасulатiоn. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to еjасulате, try startling yourself”.
On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already nакеd. He’s so hоrny and keen to try out his new ‘system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just fсuкing great, аsshоlе…when I fired the pistol my wife sh1t on my face, bit three inches off my соск and my neighbour came out of the closet nакеd with his hands in the air!”

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Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes

So every morning a husband would wake up in the morning and pass gas really loud. The wife told him one day if you keep that up you are going fаrт out your guts.
The husband said no way it is impossible. Well this went on for along time.
Finally the wife was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and while she was taking all the guts out of the bird she had an Idea. She sneaked in there bedroom and stuffed all the turkey guts in his underwear.
The next morning she heard him wake up and fаrт really loud. After that it was quiet for some time.
Then her hubby came down and said,
"You where right I did fаrт out my guts. But thank goodness I was able stuff them all back in!"

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Thanksgiving Jokes

The doctor told me I need to cut any excess fат out of my lifestyle.
I couldn’t be any more delighted, I’ve finally got the excuse I needed to divorce my wife.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Fitness jokes Fat Jokes

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor."
"Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

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Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

Me - Can you go to your moms room?
Friend - Yeah, why?
Me - I left my pants in there.
Friend - Fuск you!

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Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit”

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Religion jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Mercury has a harsh climate, as the day time temperature is 430 degrees Celcius. At night however, it freezes to -170 degrees Celcius.
First world problems.

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Science jokes

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