Newest jokes - Page 519

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fаn belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink вееr all day.

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Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
Teeth removing Taffy
Metamucil in a straw
Ex-Lax Brownies
Caramel Covered Zucchini
Colored Crisco on a Stick
Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
Chocolate Covered Prunes
A Handful of Red Man
Anything that ticks!

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Halloween Jokes

I love you.
Is it you or the вееr talking?
It’s me. Talking to my вееr.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Nurse jokes

Dear Monday:
I want to break up.
I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry.
It’s not me — it’s you

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Nurse jokes

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunк the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that соw".

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Christmas Jokes

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Q) Why do witches wear name tags? A) So they will know which witch is which.
Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? A) Broom-mates
Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school? A) Spell-ing
Q) How does a witch tell time? A) She looks at her witch-watch.
Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling? A) Because there was no future in it.
Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters ";M, A, K, E, S?" A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."
Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time? A) Potluck
Q) How do you make a witch itch? A) Take away the "w."
Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars? A) It's green and wrinkly.
Q) What do witches use on their hair? A) Scare spray.

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Halloween Jokes School Jokes

When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness сrавs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

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Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

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Blonde Jokes Christmas Jokes

A man was stopped at a checkpoint on the way home from a visit to Mexico. The blonde border guard said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The traveler replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll backwards!"
The guard, "Do you take me for a FOOL?! That won't keep me from inspecting things!"
He gets into the car himself, in the passenger's seat, and applies the brake himself.
"Now," he says, "That takes care of that, now go and open the trunk!!"
So the traveler complies and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the guard from inside the car, "Are there any drugs or contraband in there?"

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Blonde Jokes

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.
I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"
She said, "I dамn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."
For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."

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Blonde Jokes

St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Неll and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?"
St. Peter "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .
The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..".
St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!"
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!"
A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers:
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.
"The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the'fires'.NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail... And a $24,000 fine.
.......... ONLY IN AMERICA!

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Single People Jokes Insurance Comedy

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Money jokes Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I'm sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce.
I just cannot tolerate any more of her constant complaining. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I'm telling you first, Jerry, because you're the oldest. Please tell your sister."
When Jerry calls his sister Julie in Miami, she says: "No way are they getting divorced. I'll go there for Thanksgiving and talk them out of it."
Julie phones here father and tells him: "You must not get divorced. Promise me you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Jerry and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action. Please listen to me." Then she hangs up.
The father puts down the phone, turns to his wife Frances and says, "Good news! Jerry and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving, and they're both paying their own way."

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Thanksgiving Jokes

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time.
The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''

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Blonde Jokes

A boxer went to a doctor for treatment of insomnia.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" suggested the doctor.
"It doesn't work," replied the boxer. "Whenever I get to nine, I stand up!"

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Sports Jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

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