Latest Jokes

What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker! Q: What do you call a реnguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there. Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer! Q: What do you get if you put a веll on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer. Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper! Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack! Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer! Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it! Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y! Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus! Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws! Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards! Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles! Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side! Q: What goes Но Но Whoosh, Но Но Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door! Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved! Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws! Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
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This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It suскеd.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sеxy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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A redneck had become a major buyer of a furniture company in Alabama. The company sent him to buy some new lines of furniture in France, they gave him three days to buy the furniture. The redneck went over there on the first day and closed the deal with a furniture manufacturer, so he had two days left. He decided to go to a bistro and have some wine, he sat down had a glass and he sees a very good looking woman across the room and motions her so come over there, and the woman started to speak to him in french so put his hand up to hush her up, and he drew a picture of a wine glass and she nods her head and he orders her a glass of wine and they continue to talk this way, he then draws some food and she nods her head so they go to restaurant and he orders two plates of pasta and they continue to talk through drawing. When the redneck hears some music playing he draws a picture of two stick figures dancing, and she nods her head and they start dancing. So when they stop dancing the woman draws a picture of a four post bed, and till this day that redneck does not know how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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