Newest jokes - Page 763

Man: Excuse me, Excuse me, do you no CPR?
Woman: (hopefully says) Yes
Man: Oh thank god
Woman: What is it?
Man: My diск isn't breathing, I think i need mouth to diск resuscitation.

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Lebron better than Jordan?
Ha! Yea right.
Talk to me when Lebron saves the lооnеy tunes from an alien race.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Sports Jokes Alien Jokes

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin.
At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again.
The teacher says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Checking my answers."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”
“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it.
While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his соск out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up.
A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

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Sports Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes

You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
You say "voice number" instead of "phone number" as the majority of phone lines in any house are linked to contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
You back up your data every day.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
You understand all these jokes.

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Technology Jokes Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes Military Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the annoying мidgет who went to a nudist colony?
A: He kept getting in everyone's hair.

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Gross Jokes

One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunк got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunк what he thought he was doing.
The drunк replied, "Just go on and take me to jail..... there's no way in the world that I can pass that test.

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
he replies:
"Why? What happened at 8:30?"

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Office and Work Jokes One-Liner Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

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Religion jokes Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes Priest Jokes Math Jokes

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

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Men jokes Life Jokes

"My Friday is ruined!"
"Why, what happened?"
"I realized today is Tuesday."

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Friday jokes One-Liner Jokes

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing. On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Sсrеw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

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Monday jokes Boss Jokes

Whats the Difference between Red & Green ?
Fuck all apparently if you’re a cyclist.

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What's The Difference Jokes Sarcasm Jokes Cyclist Humor

Faith is a huge concept for anyone to grasp, never mind a child. You have to be careful you don't send mixed signals. I mean, when I found out Santa Claus and Easter Bunny weren't real, that made it real tough on God and Jesus. Hey -- at least the other guy stopped by once a year and gave me something.

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Easter Jokes God Jokes Christmas Jokes

My neighbour was singing in the shower again this morning.
I didn’t mind though as I couldn’t hear anything through the telescope.

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Bad Habits Jokes

Looks aren’t everything, but you can’t wаnк over personality.

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Ugly Jokes

Shouldn’t the air and space museum be empty?

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Stupid Jokes

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
Fortunately none of them can read a map!

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Sexist Jokes

How do you know if you have a galactic apple?

It is one if it has a worm hole in it!

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Sci-Fi Jokes

Latest Jokes