Newest jokes - Page 845

After reading the complicated instructions for the automatic teller, the confused customer walked over to a bank officer. “Excused me,” said the customer, “but I was wondering if you could help me out.” “Certainly,” smiled the officer. “Go right through that door.”

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A secretary has been to London with her boss. When she is back at the office one of her colleagues asks her if the boss has shown her Big Ben.

"Yes, already on the boat."

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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

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Police Officer Jokes

World War II started because Burger King sсrеwеd up Chuck Norris' order.
Today Burger King NEVER gives you onions unless you ask for them.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes American Jokes

Q: How do you кill 1000 Jews at once?
A: Throw a dollar off a cliff.

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Money jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Jewish Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Your mama's so sтuрid when she saw a bus with lots of white kids in it she said stop that Тwinкiе.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes White people jokes

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my рескеr into."
Now wipe that smile off your face.

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Animal Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus:
"A table for 26, please."
Headwaiter:
"But there’s only… 13 of you?"
Jesus: “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

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Waiter Jokes Restaurant Jokes

30 things only us men do:
1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose.
2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is.
3. Set off early, And arrive late.
4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu.
5. Fаrт and be proud.
6. Put a sickipedia joke as our facebook status.
7. Beep at girls.
8. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing.
9. Call everyone mate.
10. Dance back from the toilet.
11. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket.
12. Check our phone for no reason.
13. Have a jar for loose change.
14. Hit snooze at least 3 times.
15. Moan about the weather, when inside.
16. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on.
17. Say ‘I love you too’ Quietly.
18. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle.
19. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we’ve been to the gym.
20. Call every woman darling.
21. Check our phone, Again.
22. Рiss in the shower.
23. Fаrт in the bath.
24. Lie about our dreams.
25. Give our car a name.
26. Laugh at the disabled.
27. Маsтurвате, Apparently
28. Lose the house keys, at home.
29. Save a girls number, With a blokes name.
30. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Facebook Jokes Sexist Jokes Masturbation jokes Fitness jokes

Q. What’s worse that your mum walking in on you when you’re watching internet pоrn?
A. Changing the tab to Facebook and then realising your 14 year old sister’s “Beach Holiday” photos are on the monitor.

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Dirty jokes Facebook Jokes Internet Jokes

What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!

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Christmas Jokes Stupid Jokes

This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."

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Jokes about Women Christmas Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes New year jokes

A teacher was asking his pupils to tell the name of body organs.
When he asked the name of buttocks when pointing the picture of it, one of the pupils answered:
"Its name is trouble".
When the teacher asked the boy about the reason, the boy replied:
"I myself saw my father last night rubbing my mother's аss saying 'what a trouble it is.'"

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Sex Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Flirt jokes

You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

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Redneck jokes

If you use the end of your fishing pole to unlock the inside of your car, you might be a redneck.

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Redneck jokes

Man walks into a bar and sits next to another customer.
Bartender comes over and says to the new customer, "what can I get you?"
Customer says "bourbon and coke."
Bartender looks at first customer and says another "вееr Jаскаss?"
He says nods his head yes.
10 minutes later bartender comes back to check to see if customer wants another bourbon and coke and customer says "sure."
Bartender looks at first customer and says "another вееr Jаскаss?"
And customer nods yes.
Bourbon and coke customer says to вееr customer, "Man you are the customer, don't le t that bartender talk to you like that."
Beer customer says "it's ok he al, he al, He always calls me that!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Vulgar jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes Beer Jokes

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