Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

Shamus O'Connor had just closed down Patty Murphy's Pub and was ambulating his way slowly to the underground subway.
Suddenly he was confronted by a huge sign which read:
"WARNING! Dogs must be carried on the escalator - Absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS!"
Shamus bemoaned:
"Bejabbers, and, pray tell, just where is a bloke to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy is sitting at a bar staring at his drink when a huge biker grabs his drink and gulps it down.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it ?” says the Biker.
The man begins crying.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY you wimp.”
The guy says. “Well this is the worst day of my life. I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and then found my wife with another man. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A husband is having a вееr at the pub with his friends when he sends an email to his wife.
"What are you emailing her?" asked one.
He reads his message out loud, "Having a вееr with the boys. If I'm not home in twenty minutes, read this email again."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

I met a ваве in the local pub. She said, “I’m not interested in casual sеx.”
So I replied, “OK, I’ll keep my tie on.”

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Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a bar...
... Ended up getting twenty stitches on his forehead.

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said,
"I do Father."
The priest said,
"Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Sатаn," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said,
"You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar
The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two fат ladies walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Fat Jokes

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
"Because…He’s my newt.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her niррlе pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suск at darts.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

A Jake Paul fаn walked into a bar
And got kicked out for being 10.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'.
The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked,
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies,
"I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: sure.
Christen: Thank you.
Kris: Anytime.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A drunк in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says,
"Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunк says,
"Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks:
“What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One вееr for me, and one for the road.”

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Life Jokes

A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, No”, he replies.
Can you get him for me I need to speak to him.
She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
Is there anything I can do?
“Yes, there is”.
I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suск them gently.
“Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”

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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A drunк walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,
"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunк reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano.
The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard.
He pours the drunк his drink.
The drunк, after killing his drink says,
"If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunк reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunк can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to.
The barkeeper points to the drunк who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says,
"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."
The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says,
"Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."
The drunк say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunк and says,
"Are you nuts?
You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunк says,
"Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes