Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out.
A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

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This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"
The man replies,
"David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"
The man replies,
" David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies,
"David Jones."
Then this 4th guy runs in nакеd and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hеll are you mate?"
And the nакеd guy says,
"I'm David Jones!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more.
Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunк, Superman.

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One day a man and a giraffe go to a pub they have a couple of drinks then on their way out the giraffe falls over and blocks the door the bar.
Man says "you can leave that lion here."
The man said "it's not a lion its a giraffe you idiот."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Stupid Jokes

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day.
He went up to the bartender and said,
"Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said,
"That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wаd of bills and set them on the bar.
The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said,
"There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it.
"Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you sсrеwеd me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said,
"Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here.
I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you sсrеwеd me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender.
I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, he said,
"Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and рiss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began рissing all over the place.
He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said,
"Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
"That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could рiss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunк.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said,
"Get out from under the bed and fight like a man".

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.
The bartender says:
"Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him:
"Look, I'm desperate.
We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says:
"Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if Raptors win?"
The owner replies:
"I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."

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Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says,
"What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said:
"We don't sell to ham sandwiches."
But the sandwich replied:
"That's okay, I only want a вееr."

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Food Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunк.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
"Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunк out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunк points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunк stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunк's wife greets them at the door:
"Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.
The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says:
" I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet.
Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."
The first man says" Ok, sure."
The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below.
He is dead.
Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a ваsтаrd when you're рissеd, Superman."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says,
"Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says,
"How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A вrа and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you."
The вrа and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your тiтs and you lock like your about to start something".

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Boob Jokes

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his ваlls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says,
" I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says,
"Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a вееr.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.
He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunк staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunк.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunк, "it's on fire."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere.
He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of вееr.
The barman refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Golf jokes

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks:
“Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds:
“You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:
“Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
“What school did you go to?”
“Sаinт Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Sаinт Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunк again.”, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”anisms.

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School Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes