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Beer Jokes - Page 5
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A white guy goes into a bar and sees a black bartender.
He says, "yo, niggеr, get me a вееr!"
The bartender says, "that's very rude. How would you like it if I talked to you like that?"
The white guy says, "let's switch places and see!"
So they switch places.
The bartender says, " yo, cracka, get me a вееr!"
The white guy says, "sorry, we don't serve niggеrs here!"
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your реnis reach your аsshоlе?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking вееr. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your вееr?" His grandpa replied, "Can your реnis reach your аsshоlе?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your реnis reach your аsshоlе?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuск yourself. These are my cookies!"
Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.
Spaniard: (background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.
American: (background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
Spanish: Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: (another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.
Spanish: We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.
Americans: (heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET.
WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.
PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!
Spanish: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency.
We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the fuск you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shiт vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks!
So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: Roger, thanks.
Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest вееr in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
One day in a small redneck town in the middle of nowhere sat a lonely bartender in an empty bar.
As he was getting ready to close down, three ducks walked through the front doors. They waddled on over to the bar and grabbed a stool. The bartender walked over them looked at the first duck and said, ''How was your day?'' ''Not too bad, since I was in and out of puddles all day,'' replied the duck. ''What is your name?'' the bartender asked. ''Hewy, and I'll have a вееr.''The bartender asks the next duck the same question and gets the same answer, that his day was pretty good because he was in and out of puddles all day, and his name was Dewy. The bartender looks at the third duck and says, ''Let me guess your name is Lewy'' The duck looked up at him with a tired look on his face and said, ''My name is puddles, and don't ask me how my вlооdy day was!''
