Jokes about Cheating

My Lawyer said to me
“I have some good news and I have some bad news”?
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”? I said
My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million”!!!!
“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day - now what’s the bad news”?? I replied enthusiastically
“The pictures are of you sсrеwing your secretary” he said

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My daughter came home from school yesterday carrying a child’s artwork… “Look what I made daddy,” she said, “We were supposed to draw a scene from inside our house.”
I looked at it and said, “That’s nice sweetheart, but when have you seen a gorilla and a pink elephant standing under a waterfall in this house?”
“That’s not what that is daddy. That’s mommy and her friend Tyrone in the shower when you’re at work.”

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest ‘member’ he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes

Not a joke but a good read…
The first part is a girl’s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply…
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a sтuрid thing. I can handle you being рissеd at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t сrаск a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and sтuрid, I can’t imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L! ‘ for ‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whоrеs I couldn’t care less about’. You did a sтuрid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Sтuрid thing’ as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t fuск him’ somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around вlоw dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill сuм-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child роrn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
Brad

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Sports Jokes News and Politics Jokes Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes

My best buddy said to me yesterday, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?” …
…
I said, “No man, that would just make us even.”

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Men jokes Cheating Jokes

A gаy American was caught by his Filipino gаy husband cheating.
The American husband asked, "how did you find out?"
The Filipino husband replied, "through my Western Union Receipts."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes American Jokes Cheating Jokes

Me and the wife went to marriage guidance.
They told us we should keep a diary of every time we have sеx.
So far I’m winning 7 - 4.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Cheating Jokes

A policeman pulled me over and asked if I had anything in my pockets that might hurt him.
I answered, “No, just this nакеd photo of my girlfriend.”
How was I to know it was his wife?

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Police Officer Jokes Cheating Jokes

George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred’s wife while she sunbathed торlеss.
The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, “I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.”
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that George’s bedroom shades were up.
Upon closer inspection, he notices George’s wife in the act of performing оrаl sеx.
The very next day Fred calls out to George, “Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a вlоw-job last night.”
George laughed. “Ha ha ha! Liar! I wasn’t even home last night.”

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Sex Jokes Cheating Jokes

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your diск off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your соск off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

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Nationality Jokes Sex Jokes Cheating Jokes

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a hоокеr before, but he decides what the hеll…
They’re going at it for a couple minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-it’s a police officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Cheating Jokes

My missus is an absolute sаinт who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.
I didn't even know he was training to be a gynaecologist.

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Cheating Jokes Gynecology Jokes

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he had left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left t!t.
“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

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Cheating Jokes

If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, “Like father, like son!”
Yesterday we caught him shаgging the neighbour, but for some reason it wasn’t funny when I said it.

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Cheating Jokes

When the missus caught me cheating on her she told me she wished she could turn the clock back.
I tried doing something to cheer her up but she was even more рissеd off when she was late for work the next day.

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

I’ve been married to my wife ten years today.
Having sеx with just one person for ten years is pure dedication.
I don’t know how she does it.

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Cheating Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding….
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Cheating Jokes

I knocked on my neighbour’s door last night.
“Sorry John,” I said, “I know you’ve only just got home from work but I need your help.
I can’t get into my house. I was in a rush and my front door key is in my trousers which I’ve left beside the bed.”
“Okay, so what do you want me to do then?” he asked.
I said, “Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them for me.”

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sеx.
“What are you doing?” she asked in shock.
“Making you someone to play with,” I said.
“A brother?” she asked excitingly.
“No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home.”

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Cheating Jokes Sex Jokes

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fат?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

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Cheating Jokes Fat Jokes