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Christmas Jokes

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Have you heard Neil Diamonds new Christmas song?
I can’t recall the lyrics but I remember it had a sweet carol line
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Sсrеw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!
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What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?…
….
The gifts would have been more practical, they would have been wrapped, and the baby Jesus would have had more fun playing with the wrapping paper than the toy camels. ….
…
Oh, and the women would have asked for directions, arrived on time, made several casserole dishes and cleaned the stable.
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Thought Santa had visited my house early last night.
Was in my bedroom, looked up and saw a man with a big red round face and big fат belly too.
Turns out it was the mirror.
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There is a little girl on a bike and a cop
On a horse. The cop goes up to the
Little girl and says " did you get that
Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes.
The cop says next year ask Santa for
Some reflectors and the cop gave her
A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop
Did Santa get you that horse for
Christmas. He says yes. She says tell
Santa next year put the diск on the
Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!!
My dad is trying to get 500 jаскаss!!!!
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WARNING! There’s a link going around it says download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track whatever you do don’t click on it, it’s actually a link to download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track.
===
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Teacher: Little Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's just like Santa Claus. I know he's really my dad
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My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.
One line:
“At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ___________.”
His response:
“Receipts.”
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~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream вlооdy мurdеr.
~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.
~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e. G., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")
~ Sing:
"All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically, "It didn't work!"
~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying, "Every time a веll rings an angel gets his wings!"
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You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
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“For Christmas, would you like one of those things that tests your blood pressure?” my wife asked.
“You can fuск off if you think your mum’s coming for dinner again.”
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When I was a kid we were so poor that on Christmas morning if I didn’t have morning wood, I had nothing to play with.
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Police: George Michael, you're under arrest for illegal оrgаn harvesting. Last Christmas, someone gave their heart!
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Just be arrested for indecency at my local homeless shelter after trying to help them cook Christmas dinner. Apparently they told me to PLUCK the turkey.
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The Chief of Staff remarked to the Director of Nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant Nurses in their hospital.
As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due.
Each time the Director would respond, “Some time in late September.”
Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yet again.
The Director responded, “I have no idea Sir. She wasn’t at the Christmas Party.”
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Justin Bieber apparently treated himself to a private jet this year for Christmas.
I’m treating him to an early birthday present.
I’ve paid for him to have a Malaysian pilot for as long as it takes.
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I’m sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the воnе every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens?
That fат fuскеr with the beard gets all the credit….
Still, it’s my own sтuрid fault for marrying her.
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My mom e-mailed the president of the United States -- which is cute, in a children's letter to Santa Claus kind of way -- but I don't think he's gonna read it. He didn't even read the pre-war intelligence about Iraq; I don't think he's jumping into his inbox, talking to my mother.
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O ne day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DАМN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”
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One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
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