Criminal Jokes

I’m like a Magician with women.
I pick a girl at random off the street, saw her in half, and then make her disappear….

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My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.
She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is….. Purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

Scientists have discovered that some fish have реdорhilе tendencies.
Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.

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School Jokes Criminal Jokes

My girlfriend asked me for a new phone, similar to a blackberry or an iPhone.
So I gave her a black-i

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Criminal Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes

So this guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over. …
…
He comes up to the man and asks, “Why were you speeding today sir?” …
…
The man replies, “I’m a juggler in a circus, and I’m late for my next show. I apologize. I assume you’ll be needing my license and registration.” …
…
The cop looks intrigued, and says “whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! If you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, I’ll let you go with a warning.” …
…
The juggler says, “officer, I don’t have my equipment with me, I had to ship it separately.” the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them. …
…
The juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.
Meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says “sir, I’m going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle.”
The man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, “sorry officer but I ain’t never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
- ” Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! “

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Criminal Jokes Dad Jokes

Just a note to anyone thinking of breaking into and entering my home: Due to the high cost of ammunition, NO warning shots will be fired.
The police will only be of use drawing a chalk line around you.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

I was playing pool with a black man in America today when he had to stretch across the table to рот a ball.
The police barged in to the place and shot him for resisting a rest.

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Men jokes USA Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

This guy is sentenced to prison, and on his first day in jail, he meets his new cellmate…
…
His new cellmate is a very large, mean-looking beast of a man, whose nickname is ‘Butch.’ He immediately asks, “Do you want to be the husband or the wife?”
The new inmate thinks to himself, “Well, if I have to do this, I might as well be the husband in this relationship,” after which he says to his intimidating cellmate, “I would like to be the husband.”
Butch is at least 300 pounds and he grins and replies, “Great! Now come over here and suск your wife’s diск.”

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Men jokes Relationship Jokes Criminal Jokes

A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rаре, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there was a bunch of them!”

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Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.
I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Criminal Jokes

The Doctor asked me why I kept on beating my wife, so I told him the truth… I’ve got a longer reach and better footwork…

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Criminal Jokes

I saw a 7 year old kid with an iPad 2.
Spoiled little ваsтаrd.
So I ran up to him and snatched it.

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Kids Jokes Criminal Jokes

Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me “Robin Hood”…
Stealing from the вiтсh and giving to the whоrе.

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Money jokes Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

Leroy is desperate to get some money to satisfy his craving for hеrоin.
He has never robbed a bank before, but there’s a time and place for everything when you need a fix.
He cuts holes in an old knit cap, enters a small bank brandishing his gun and trembling as he says,
“Aw.. aww.. All rr ri right you motherstickers, this is a fuскuр!!”

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Money jokes Criminal Jokes

Pakistan postponed the execution of a paraplegic man by hanging, saying it wouldn’t work. They are looking at alternative methods.
Pakistan: he’s already in a chair, just plug it in.

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

What’s the difference between a box of donuts and a black man?
A box of donuts has 12 holes in it before the police turn up.

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Three woman terrorists kidnapped three men and took them back to their secret hideout. The woman tied up the men and stood them against the wall. The leader of the terrorists said to the men ‘Here’s what will happen. You will each tell us what your jobs are and we will chop off your соск with accordance to the job.’
The first man was asked, ‘I’m a butcher.’ he replied. So his соск was sliced off.
The second man was then asked, ‘I’m a woodcutter.’ So his соск was chopped off.
The women came to the third man, who was laughing. ‘Why are you laughing?’ They asked.
‘I work in a lollipop factory.’

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

I saw a nice new widescreen TV at the shops today, but I’m going to have to wait until the sales.
Or until the police shoot another black guy.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

When I was at school there were no laptops, tablets, i phones or anything else like that.
We had to get by with just stealing tiffin money.

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School Jokes Money jokes Criminal Jokes