Dad Jokes

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‘Cant’ believe my horse came first yesterday!!’
‘Dad, how many times have I told you i’m not interested in your’s and Camilla’s bedroom antics!’

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Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick! I've just broken the doctor's window!"

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Son: Are ghosts real?
Dad: Of course not.
Son: But the maid said they are.
Dad: Son pack your bags…. We don’t have a maid

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It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says:
“My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says:
“I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says:
“My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.”
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father.
He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

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Little boy to his dad “why do they say gardeners have green fingers when they aren’t green ?”
Dads answer “the same reason thieves are said to be caught red handed when their hands aren’t red, they are black

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Little Pete came home from the playground with a вlооdy nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

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A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes?
“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

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When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a соndом. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

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A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said,
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?

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I remember my first sеxuаl experience: back seat of my dad's car. I was young; I was in love; I was alone. No, not quite -- Dad was driving. He was рissеd. It's a small car, and the top was down.

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When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked-the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

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I’ve just put some holes in my dad’s condoms. I really need some help doing the dishes.

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When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.

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There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son."

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Three young boys stand around talking about how fast their dads are.
First boy said my dad is so fast he can turn the light off and still get in bed before the light goes out.
Second boy goes my dad is so fast he can turn the hose off run to the end still get a full glass of water.
Third boy says my dad is so fast, he has a government job he gets off of work at 5 and he's home by 3.

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You: Dad I just had sеx!
Dad: Really? Come sit down
You: I cant, my but hurts!
Dad:...
Im not a hомо, just a funny joke

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"Dad what do you call a lady president?"
"Well son, you call a lady president 'Madam President'."
"If that's what I call a lady president, what would I call a queen?"
"You already know that one son, you call her mom."

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Son: Dad I failed my safety quiz
Dad: What? How?
Son: I missed the only question
Dad: What was the question?!?!
Son: What steps do we take in case of fire?
Dad: And what did you say?!
Son: Well I said f*cking large ones but apparently that's not rich
Dad: You are such a dumbass

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"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother.
"Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing."
"Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully. "That's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

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