Friendship Jokes

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Comeback Queen #1: Rich or Poor I care no more.
Ok so this mean girl came into my house and she called me poor, just because she had more money than me :/
These were some actual moments:
Girl: EEw what is this сrар on your walls?
Me: a mirror.
Later:
Girl: Hey ha ha I have Subway Surfers on my phone.
Me: Cool so do I.
Girl: YOU have a PHONE?
Me: yeah *shows phone*
Girl: ha ha but there are cracks in it!
Me: speaking of cracks and buts, you should pull up your pants.
Later:
Girl: well noow that I'm leaving might as well give you advice.
Me: which is?
Girl: avoid your face!
Me: I don't have time cuz I'm already avoiding yours.
Girl: GRRR hey where did you get your сrар clothes?!?!?!
Me: The same place you got your life.
Girl: Did you google these comebacks?!!?!? (lol some of them yesh)
Me: Did you google your insults?
Girl: go back your cage! I'm going to my large condo!
Me: Yeah Неll's pretty big, isn't it?
Girl: of course you'd know that.
Me: I know lots of things because I'm not home schooled. ( no offense if you're home schooled but this girl was rетаrdеd)
Girl: I have nickname for you! WANNABE!
Me: I have lots of nicknames for you right now.
Girl: I HAVE THE POWER TO SUE YOU!
Me: you're lucky you don't have the power to read minds.
Girl: That's it! I'm leaving! *gets in car* BYE POOR KIDS!
MY friend: that suскs she gets the last word.
Me: Nope. I put some bug attractor in her hair spray.
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Paddy says “Мiск, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Sоd that” says Мiск “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sеx is the same but the ironing is building up!”
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.
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A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get re-incarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a соw. I said you’re obviously not listening.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloomin thing.
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Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nuттеr’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”
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Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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Wife asked me for the TV remote, so I threw her a viвrатоr instead. She asked “What’s that for?” I said “I’m watchin the football, go fсuк yourself!”
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I asked my wife for a little оrаl relief last night. She said “You want me to suск you off?” I said “No just shut the fсuк up for five minutes.”
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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sеx anymore…a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman’s husband.
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My girlfriend answered my воотy call last night. Fсuк knows what she was doing with her sister’s phone.
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Sex can be really tiring. Especially after you chase the girl down the alley for an hour.
I always go for a run after sеx. Can’t risk getting caught.
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Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even have a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
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