God - Page 5

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent. The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I рissеd in the holy water!"

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God Jokes

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

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God Jokes

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail from god. Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

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God Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. "Where did you get that?" John asked "I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan. "What''s Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It''s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, "What''s wrong? Where''s your present from last night?" asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers night."

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God Jokes School Jokes

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
''He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
''Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"

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God Jokes

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.

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God Jokes Religion jokes Catholic Jokes

Shoulda Gone to A.A.
A radical Muslim cleric walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The cleric responds, "A gruesome puddle of your filthy infidel blood!"

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God Jokes

You know you're a redneck when...
you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

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God Jokes

Q: Why did God create economists?
A: To make weathermen look good.

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God Jokes Christian Jokes

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

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God Jokes

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: It soots him.

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God Jokes Christmas Jokes

There were four country churches in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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God Jokes

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

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God Jokes Priest Jokes

A sтuрid guy dies and goes to Heaven.
The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"
The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."
The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"
The sтuрid guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd... ."
The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"
The sтuрid guy replies, "Howard."
The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"
The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

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God Jokes

Q: Why is atheism a non-profit religion?
A: They have no prophets.

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God Jokes

This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass.
He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat.
The priest said, ''You can eat over at the church.''
The woman said, ''We have nine children - will there be enough?''
''Oh yes, '' the priest replied, ''the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.''

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God Jokes Priest Jokes

The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

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God Jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

Did you hear the one about the Pope and the smokin'-hot hоокеr?
Despite the strumpet's aggressive offers to fеllате him, the Pontiff maintained his holiness and prayed nightly for her soul.

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God Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: How do you know the Virgin Mary had РМS?
A: Because she rode Joseph's аss all the way to Bethlehem.

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God Jokes

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!"
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir section with her, and when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, ''The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!''
She was horrified and corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"

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God Jokes