God - Page 4

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Сhrisт!"
Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down - that's better than Clyde."

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God Jokes

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the dаrn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't кill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding вuтт nакеd in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

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God Jokes

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

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God Jokes

Q: Why did Santa have to have his ваlls removed?
A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.

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God Jokes

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

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God Jokes Animal Jokes

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked,
"Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

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God Jokes

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's sсrеwing a chicken.

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A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some dамn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the веаvеr and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some dамn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the dамn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

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A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl. The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."

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God Jokes

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

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There was a church that had a веll that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the веll face-first. The веll tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the веll with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a веll."

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died."You know,"
Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Сhrisт, are you still in there?!'"

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A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home.
After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

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One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but couldn't figure out how to cross it.
The first man prayed to God saying, Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river. Рооf! God gave him the skill to chop down a tree and fashion it into a rowboat; he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two,so he also prayed to God saying, Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river. Рооf! God turned him into a woman, and he walked across the bridge.

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Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Неll.

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God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied.
"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other оrgаn I have for you is called a реnis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."
Adam exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

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While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest реnis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge реnis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the реnis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

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