Judge Jokes, Court Jokes, Judiciary

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

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The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with cutting down a tree without having permission to do so, using a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a woman shouts, "Lying miser!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with cutting a hedge in a protected area using an electric hedge trimmer."

"You tightwad!" the same woman in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with using an electric drill outside your house during night hours."

"You good for nothing..." the woman from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the woman:
"If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The woman answered, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a тооl when I needed to borrow one!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A:
"Odor in the court!"

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Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said, “As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!”
The judge calmly replied, “He isn’t. I am. You do.”

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“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.
“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”
“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’
“ I was making a bolt for the door!”

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to pay a $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer, knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking, “Your honor, my client can only afford $50. But if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd…"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer who was upset at the verdict that was handed down to his client at the end of the case said. - Your honor with all due respect I accept your ruling. But if it may please the Court sir I'd like to know just WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE!

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play.
Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped.
But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I’m a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me sсrеwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

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The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough. “The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!” he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, “Hooray!”

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Judge and Court Jokes

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you - your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

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Men jokes Judge and Court Jokes

So the Judge asks the Policeman........
So officer what do you think about the man that was shot using a starting pistol ?
The Policeman said "I think it was Race related your honour"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Judge and Court Jokes

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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Lawyer: "Is it a сriме to throw sodium in your enemy's eyes?"
Judge: "Yes, that's аssаulт."
Lawyer: "I know it's a salt but is it a сriме?"

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food" Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said,
"You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said,
"Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said,
"What do you have to say to that?"
The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him,
"What is the meaning of that?"
The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin,
- "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

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Irish jokes Judge and Court Jokes French jokes Restaurant Jokes Boss Jokes

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize соw was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the соw. The case was to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the General Store.
The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.
He said to the farmer,
"You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied,
"Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned соw came home this morning!"

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said,
"Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him.
Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case.
‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirтy lawyer of mine.’
‘Why?’ asks the judge.
‘He won your acquittal.
Why do you want to have him arrested?’
Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the ваsтаrd went and took the car I stole.’

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