Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

If you look in your high school yearbook, it's so great 'cause the stuff people wrote in there -- very sincere. I want to call people based on what they wrote in my yearbook. Like, I haven't talked to them since, just call 'em up:
'Hey Susan, what's going on? This is Laura. What am I doing? Staying sweet, just like you said. Thanks for the advice, it is really working out for me.'

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Little Tim, a 5 year old called 911 and very softly said:
"Hello”. Officer Pam asked: are your parents there? Little Tim answered:
"Yes, their busy", the police, the fire department are here and they are busy”
Officer Pam said, so son your telling me that the police, fire department, and your parents are there and they are all busy?
Little Tim:
"Yes"
Officer Pam: What are they all doing
Little Tim:
"Looking for me"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Police Officer Jokes

The only difference between a реdорhilе and a zit is a zit waits for a child to reach puberty before it comes across its face!

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Kids Jokes

I've noticed people don't like when you smack kids in public places for acting out. Especially when they're not your own.

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Kids Jokes

I wish I was a Puerto Rican dude 'cause when it comes to baby making, Puerto Rican dudes -- ваng! -- first time, every time. Immaculate conception, my аss! You check the roster at Bethlehem, I guarantee you find a Jose Torres on it somewhere. Why do you think they named the kid Jesus?

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Kids Jokes Dirty jokes

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.

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Kids Jokes

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there. I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

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Kids Jokes

I get so frustrated with the advertising agencies and their use of the oldest of old cliches that always seem to catch a second wind and another decade of tiresome syntax. ….
…
A good example is “Starving.” Two decades later, they still run that same mud-caked Somalian kid on the side of the road, with fifty flies buzzing on his face, begging for a bowl of rice… “Your $19 every month can save him.” He’s made it all this time on 3AM TV, mud-caked, with those eyes that match the sadness of a beagle? Good job advertisers. Twenty years ago, all his chest needed was some barbecue sauce and an hour on the grill. I’m surprised they haven’t developed miracle drugs to show how long he’s been alive and begging. They certainly could develop perpetual youth serums as well. Anti-aging formulas sell well at 3AM too.
And then we have writers describing a Church feast or a buffet, where the tables “groan,” supposedly under the weight of the food. Really? Does a table complain? “Oh my back, I don’t know if I can take much more of this shiт.” Think of all the mothers at that Church picnic trying to get their six year old to eat Auntie Maud’s creamed broccoli from the рот luck, so they don’t end up covered with flies and mud, starving alongside the Somalian kid.
You people writing Real Estate ad copy are just as bad. What the fсuк is a “Roaring” fire? And if I think about it long, enough, can’t my new house (and fireplace) be a place of coziness, quiet and love? Has anybody ever walked by their fireplace and been startled out of their wits by a mighty roar, before the hearth consumed them?
And you travel agencies making up romantic stories about a vacation, making liberal use of the word “Rustic.” Thanks to you, my g/f and I just spent a week in a “rustic” cabin. For once and for all, I found out ‘rustic’ means ‘old piece of shiт.’

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Kids Jokes Food Jokes

Things My Kids Taught Me About The Learning Curve - Part II …
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. …
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is. …
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in Orlando, FL has an 8 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee рот for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirтy socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

If you’re just getting up, leisurely opening your presents and generally enjoying your Christmas Day, spare a thought for the less fortunate at this special time of year and the hardships they have to endure.
People with kids.

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Kids Jokes Christmas Jokes

I pride myself on being patient when teaching driver education, something I have done for 30 years. I have encountered many, many students, who didn't seem to be able to hit the floor with their hat. But one incident was just too much.
I had a sweet young thing behind the wheel for the first lesson of the semester. She had volunteered to go first and seemed ready to show the other two kids how well she could drive. We left the rural school and started toward town.
As we approached the first stop sign, the young lady gave no sign that she saw it. We got closer, but she still did not slow down. Finally, I used the "teacher's brake" pedal, on my side of the car, to get us stopped.
When I asked her why she didn't slow down to stop for the stop sign, she replied, "but, Mr. Smith, the speed limit is 35 ALL the way to the stop sign!"

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School Jokes Kids Jokes

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her. “Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars so I took him to his first car show. He loved seeing all the different models and brands and gushed over the big engines, the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse.
“Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

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Kids Jokes

I quit smoking рот. I quit because I saw this commercial on TV -- you may have seen the same one -- it's the one where this kid gets all his buddies together, they're gonna go in the basement, and they're gonna smoke some wееd. So, he goes to get his marijuana out of his marijuana container, but there's no рот inside, there's just a note on a rolling paper. It says, 'We need to talk. Mom.' That's crazy, 'cause a very similar thing happened to me, but my note just said, 'I owe you a dime bag. Mom.'

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Kids Jokes

My wife rang me at work today.
She whispered, “When you get home, I’m going to be nакеd in bed.”
“The kids are staying at a friend’s house tonight, aren’t they?” I asked.
“They sure are,” she giggled.
“Great,” I replied. “I’ll sleep in their room.”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes

Son: Dad You Are My Hero.
Dad: Really!
Son: Yes.
Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed?
Dad: Well, Yes.
Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes