Kids Jokes

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"I don't think my mom knows much about children."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake
And gets me up when I am sleepy."

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Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.

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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

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A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

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DaffyNition
Cocoon
[kuh-koon] (n.)
A cuh-colored kuh-kid

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For a long time, babies don't wear real clothes, they wear costumes... My mother in Boston sent us a business suit -- a little suit, a little man's suit: little black pants with a white shirt and a bowtie and a little red sportcoat -- like he's got a job he's got to get dressed up for. Like he's gonna be leaving the house with a briefcase:
'No time for breakfast! Ah, jeez, I messed myself. Hold the car.'

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Q:What did the little kid say to the black man?
A:I'm afraid of the dark.

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One day two little boys were arguing about religion. The one boy said Protestants are better than Catholics. The other boy said Catholics were better than Protestants. The one Protestant boy said,
"Oh Yeah. I bet you don't even know the lord's middle name". The Catholic boy says,
"The Lord doesn't have a middle name".
"Oh yes he does" said the Protestant boy. The Catholic says,
"Ok what is it"? The little Protestant boy says,
"That's easy". Haven't you ever said the Lord's Prayer where it says,
"Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

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My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'

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Do you remember when you were in seventh grade, when the phone first came out? We were on the phone forever in the seventh grade, right? Twelve-years-old, you haven't accomplished a thing in life, but every time you get home, you run upstairs, slam the door and talk on the phone.

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We had to break up, though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

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I accidentally hit a kid with my car last night. It wasn’t serious, luckily nobody saw me.

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If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.
He’s still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

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Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.
Teacher:...

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The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters “ILU” written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does “ILU” mean? The little girl replies, “I love you.” The teacher says, “Isn’t that sweet,” and continues with class.
The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters “YAS” written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, “It means, You are special.”
“Thank you sweetheart”, the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters “FUСК” written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, “Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!”.

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Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

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After 10 years, a mother can no longer deny that her child does not look like her or her husband. She decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife:
"Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband:
"What’s up?"
Wife:
"According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband:
"Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had soiled its diaper. Then you said, 'Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.' So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirтy one there."

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My daughter was listening to her radio in the other room, I yelled out to her and ask, "What the heck is that disturbing noise?"
She replied, "That's my radio daddy."
I said, "Well try mine it doesn't sound like that!"

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