Halloween. The door веll rings and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"The man asks the kid what he is dressed up as. The kid replies,"I'm an IRS agent."Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you. 0 0 0
They say the best way to prepare your kids for loss in later life is to have pets. So I bought a puppy and shot it in front of them. I’m not having my kids growing up damaged. 0 0 0
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’” 0 0 0
I have a niece that's an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she's like, 'I love the dog!' And then she'll tackle it and bite its ear. 0 0 0
When I was five years old, I lost my two front teeths, and I put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy. And the next morning when I woke up, to my surprise, under my pillow, I found a joint. 0 0 0
Bully: ugly kid i went to a planet and i saw a bunch of ugly people like youMe: i'm pretty sure those were mirrors. 0 0 0
Fат kid to thin kid: someone seeing you would think there's a problem with hunger.Thin kid to fат kid: Yeah, and someone seeing you can understand why. 0 0 0
Bully: Did you realise that you're obese?Fat Kid: Yes, I realised about 1 year ago that I am a beast. What about yourself? 0 0 0
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi were fishing one day. The Priest and the Minister got into a deep discussion as to when life truly begins.The Priest said that life is eternal, even before one is born into this world. The Minister disagreed and claimed life can only truly begin once a person is actually born into this world.The two debated this for some time. Finally, the Rabbi spoke up and said,"My brothers, you have it all wrong. True life can only begin when the kids graduate collage and move out of the house." 0 0 0
Scaredey catSome time ago, I had “the talk” with my kid who recently turned 17. At the time, I told him that if he had any questions, no matter how embarrassing, I would answer them.So last week, he asked me what lеsвiаns do and I told him.Apparently Sox, my cat, overheard me as she ran into my bedroom and has been hiding under my bed for 4 days. 0 0 0
I empower my eldest daughter. I tell her to be proud of where she came from. That's why I named her Uтеrus, Uтеrus Feldman. She's named after her grandmother. 0 0 0
A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it. 0 0 0
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?' 0 0 0
Funny Bumper Stickers:· Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiот.· We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?· He who laughs last thinks slowest.· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.· It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.· Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.· Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.· Montana -- At least our cows are sane!· Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.· Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 0 0 0
A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an оrаl exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam:"What is two plus two?""Four," the athlete answered.The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!" 0 0 0
I have a good friend who was retired but he needs extra $$$ so he took a job as a taxi driver.Last night, he pulled out to avoid a kid.… and fell off the sofa. 0 0 0
When I was a kid, I had this one aunt who used to always call me by my brother's name -- I mean, a million times, every time I saw her. Finally, I just snapped. I said, 'You are the biggest simpleton idiот pinhead I've ever met.' She got all upset, called my parents, told on me. My brother got sсrеwеd. 0 0 0