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Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said,
"You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said,
"Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said,
"You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said,
"What kind of job would a вuм like you have?"
"I'm a rестuм stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rестuм stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked,
"What does a rестuм stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked,
"What the hеll do you do with a six-foot assh*le?"
Bob said,
"You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
Practice Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said,
"It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said,
"Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said,
"Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, sсrеwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already sсrеwing someone!"
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it
A very well-dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said:
"Do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?!"
The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed.
When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's mirror-polished Brooks Brothers captoe shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside.
On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.
The plumber went in and there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The lawyer looked out, with sweat streaming down his hundred dollar haircut. He pointed at the bill and said,
"You found your assistant."