Lawyer Jokes - Page 31

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says:
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," he says."Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him."That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

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What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Your honor.
What do you call a judge gone bad?
Senator.
Have you heard about the lawyersÃ¢Â€Â™ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
Even a vulture has taste.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 10?
A lawyer.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

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Lawyer Jokes

“A dentist in a court trial was оrаlly examined and re-examined by the defence lawyer ruthlessly, to extract the truth.”

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dentist Jokes

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.
While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.
He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.
Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.
So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

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Lawyer Jokes

Judge: Are you defending yourself?
Defendant: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.
Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

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Lawyer Jokes

How do you кill 4000 lawyers? A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink. Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A: A lobotomy. Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a bottom-crawling sсuм sucker and the other's just a fish. Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? A: One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

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Lawyer Jokes School Jokes

Quotes by Lawyers
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
So you were gone until you returned?

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Lawyer Jokes

One day an engineer dies. He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners. When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hеll, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hеll, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hеll the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"

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Lawyer Jokes Aviation Jokes

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
At the city morgue.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
The porcupine has рriскs on the outside.

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Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?
The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said,
"Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said,
"Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick? The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and sсrеwеd the other two dogs.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack's last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

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Lawyer Jokes

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked. At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested. Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunк all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

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Lawyer Jokes

A woman is meeting with her shrink. She confides the following problem.
"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?"

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Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

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Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies,
"The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

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Lawyer Jokes Military Jokes

"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." -- Jimmy Kimmel

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes