At marriage guidance, my wife and I were asked to describe each other in 3 words. My wife said“Uncaring, but honest.”I countered with, “Fат and ugly.”So we were both right. 0 0 0
The honeymoon is an odd tradition. You've just taken the vows when you rush off to some vacation hideaway, where you spend every second of every day with the very person to whom you just pledged your entire life. Two weeks apart would make more sense. You've got the rest of your lives to get sick of each other. Why rush it? 0 0 0
Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep.In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind. 0 0 0
My wife asked, “Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?”I replied, “Yes, I probably would.” 0 0 0
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was."Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said."Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy?" 0 0 0
Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me?Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine. 0 0 0
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”Wife: I really don’t think I should say.Husband: How about a diamond ring?Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.Husband: well, then, a mink coat?Wife: You know I do not like furs.Husband: A golden necklace?Wife: I already have three of them.Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?Wife: What I’d really like is a divorceHusband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much 0 0 0
Because I don’t eat a lot my wife says I might have an eating disorder and I should go and see someone about it.If only she’d see someone about her cooking disorder then I may not have a problem. 0 0 0
Kanye West recently gave his wife, Kim Kardashian, a massive second diamond engagement ring.Kim said, “Wow, thank you so much.”While every married guy in America said, “Yeah, thanks A LOT Kanye!” 0 0 0
The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.So he announced:"Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said,"My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!"The whole audience burst into laughter. But one was in complete silence... The Groom! 0 0 0
My wife was getting ready to go out last night..“You can’t wear that.” I said. “I can see your тiтs under it.”“So you can.” She said. “Do I need to wear a вrа?”“Yeah, perhaps.” I replied. “Or a longer dress.” 0 0 0
So I’m straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then with a colossal *pop* … it goes dark. My wife shouted, “Darling, are you alright? The power just went out!” I replied:“Thank goodness for that, I thought my eyes exploded!” 0 0 0
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.”All he Wants is sеx, sеx and more sеx.My vаginа is now the size of a 50-cent pieceWhen it used to be the size of a nickel.”Her mother says,“You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,You live in an 8 Bedroom mansionYou drive a $250,000 Ferrari,You get $2,000 a week allowance,You take 6 vacations a year andYou want to throw all that away…Over 45 cents?”Now that’s a Jewish mother!!! 0 0 0
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.""Twice a week, you say?""Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday." 0 0 0
Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says:“ I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray.” “Why not? He’s loved you through three shades already.” Replied her friend. 0 0 0
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..”He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?’I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered, White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn t it?And thus began my life of celibacy………:- ) 0 0 0