I went out with the one that wasn't 'the one' for five years. Get this, I wanted to break up with her after three months, but I didn't. You want to know why? Because I'm a рussy, that's why. I didn't want to hurt her. I just wanted to ruin my freaking life. What's five years when you think about it? 0 0 0
A guy walks home after buying a соск-suскing frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.“What the fuск am I supposed to do with that?” she screams.“Teach it to cook and fсuк off,” he replies. 0 0 0
After my divorce hearing I turned to my newly ex-wife and said:“Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shаgging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your рriск into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about, mister!”“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fuскing sentence without being interrupted.” 0 0 0
I hate 'The Bachelor,''The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette.' You know why? 'Cause all them women don't represent. All them women are cute, prissy, soft-spoke, little prissy girls. I can't stand it. Women like that can get married anyway, that's no challenge. I want to see a show with loud, outspoken, bossy вiтсhеs. Women who are stalkers. Women who be following a man home, throwing a brick in his windshield. That's my new show. Call it, 'Who Wants to Marry This Вiтсh?' 0 0 0
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?" 0 0 0
Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable……I think a few роrnоs and a dishwasher might beg to differ. 0 0 0
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive and nакеd native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”So his wife sent him back a harmonica with a note saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling…” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so we can make passionate love!”She kissed him and said, “First let me see you play that вlооdy harmonica.” 0 0 0
My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching роrn.I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too. 0 0 0
I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, “What superpower would you have if you could have any?”“Invisibility,” I replied.“I’m intrigued,” she went on. “What would you do if you were invisible?”“Sit here and watch the TV in peace,” I replied. 0 0 0
A husband and wife were at the mall when they got separated. The wife calls him on her cell phone. "Where are you?" she asks."Well, do you remember the store when we were first married and you were looking at a beautiful ring in the jewelry store window, but we could not afford it?""Yes", she replies, excited to think about what he was about to say, a tear forming in her eyes."Great, I am at the sports store right next to it." 0 0 0
A virgin girl gets married to a guy who is renowned for being particularly well endowed. She’s a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband. Being sympathetic he works out a way around this-he’ll show her his diск bit by bit.So the wife’s lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of diск poking through the doorway. “are you sure your not nervous yet?” Her husband asks . “no I’m ok” she replies.Another six inches of diск promptly comes through the doorway. “are you still ok?”“yes im still ok” she replies.When another six inches appears in the doorway she says “I’m still not nervous”Ok her husband replies “then I’m coming up the stairs now!” 0 0 0
In the Bible, the King Boaz married the lovely Moabite woman, Ruth, to help unite his Kingdom. What was he before he did this?Answer: He was "Ruthless" 0 0 0
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fат woman just waiting to get in. 0 0 0
If a guy tells you that he's a jеrк, you should probably listen. 'Cause they tell you right off the bat, don't they girls? 'Listen, I'm a jеrк. I'm no good for you.' What happens to us? We turn into a little kid:'La-la-la-la! I can't hear you!' 0 0 0
Some of my best friends are lеsвiаns. But one reason I can't be no lеsвiаn -- for example, you out on a date with your man, he start getting on your nerve, you can go to the bathroom. You can get away. But if your man is a woman, she'll follow your аss right in there. 0 0 0
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn’t because of their wives objections.So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, “I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!”The second said, “That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!”The third said, “Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn’t have to buy my wife anything!!!”They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!The smartest of the three said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or Inтеrсоursе?”She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this; it might get chilly out there!” 0 0 0