Masturbation jokes

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I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”
The man said, “Is it for a clock?”
I said, “I don’t fuскing know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

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I was standing in the queue for the One Direction concert last night on my own, I’m a 42 year old man and all the young girls were pointing and staring at me.
I’ve clearly still got it.

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Women are cut from the same cloth. …
Like a newspaper, there’s a new issue with them every fuскing day.

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A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says:
“Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?”
He says:
“No, but I’ve got dangling ваlls on a 9 inch.”
She “That’s not a record is it?”
Him “It is for a 10 year old.”

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I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby.”
“It was a typo” she said, “I’m really into walking, please pull your trousers up.”

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My girlfriend said to me this morning, “Man U were shiт last night.”
I left the room in tears; 4 minutes is a personal best for me.

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This man approached me in town, “Would you like a big issue Sir?” He asked.
“No thanks,” I replied. “I’m sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home.”

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My wife said to me, “I’ve just had a complaint from the neighbour opposite. She says that a man from this address has been watching her get undressed with binoculars.”
I said, “Just ignore her. Anyone who uses binoculars to get undressed is a nuттеr.”

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A тrамр walks into a jewellry store and has a look around, after looking for a few minutes the тrамр suddenly pulls his trousers down and starts shoving his finger up his аss. The man behind the counter looks shocked and says:
“What do you think you’re doing!”, The тrамр looks back at him and points towards the sign on the wall: ‘Pick your ring in comfort’

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I was just reading that, in the UK, for every quid a bloke makes, a woman gets 70p.
And I’m thinking, “That’s a bit fuскing unfair, blokes are just left with 30p …”

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A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fсuкing’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ’em”.

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“I’m sorry love, but do you take it up the аrsе? Or can you just swallow it?” I asked this fit bird down the drug store.
“Can you fuск off you creep?!” she yelled back, “I’m sick of men like you thinking we’re so easy.”
“Listen miss can you calm the fuск down and tell me how I’m supposed to take these suppositories you’ve just sold me?” I replied.

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Research shows that men speak 25,000 words a day and a women speaks 30,000 a day..
The problem is, after the husband comes home from work having consumed his 25,000 words..
The wife starts her 30,000.

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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”…
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet”. He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my test!cles black?”
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his pen!s in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says “There is nothing wrong with them!”
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?

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I said to grandad, “I had my mates round last night. We ordered a load of pizzas and had a game of poker.”
“Dominoes?” he asked.
I said, “No you deaf old man, poker.”

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At a Job interview:
“You are aware we are a very modern company and because of the nature of the business we employ a lot of gаy men. How would you feel if one came on to you? ”
“Well I would get a tissue, clean it off and ask him politely not to do it again.”

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One of the girls in work called me arrogant yesterday, so I asked what she meant.
She said, “You’ve got a big head.”
“If you think my head’s big you should see the size of my соск,” I replied.

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We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the television.
“I miss when there were no remotes,” He grumbled, “And all you got was a series of knobs on the television.”
So I showed him “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.

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I’ve been in bed all week with a stomach bug and I heard the wife saying to her friend on the phone, “He’s not been feeling himself the past few days.”
I thought, ‘I have been feeling myself. Just not when she’s around.’

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I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “My son was just about to cut the grass but he can’t seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
I said, “Great, tell him to hurry up, I’ve got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour.”

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